


Poner El Alma En El Ruedo (Put Your Soul on the Line)

by diazevan, nilshki, Whis



Series: spanish songs belong to buddie! [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Communication, M/M, Misunderstandings, Songs in Spanish, a loooooooooot of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:14:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22268506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diazevan/pseuds/diazevan, https://archiveofourown.org/users/nilshki/pseuds/nilshki, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whis/pseuds/Whis
Summary: Though they have just made up, a night out and a misunderstanding makes things awkward between Eddie and Buck. Awkward to the point that Buck can't stick around anymore. They find their way back to each other with the help of a few Spanish love songs.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: spanish songs belong to buddie! [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1616716
Comments: 87
Kudos: 247





	1. En ésta no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title: "En Ésta No" by Sin Bandera  
> Chapter by [nilshki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nilshki/pseuds/nilshki)

**_No me toca ser el que te ama/Ni nos toca hacer juntos la cama._ **

Buck tossed and turned in bed, his stomach churning and his head throbbing. He shouldn’t have had so much to drink, shouldn’t have stayed out so late. He’d just been having such a good time with Eddie. They’d finally gotten back to a good place, after the whole lawsuit fiasco. 

But now, he couldn’t sleep for more than an hour at a time. He wasn’t yet sure if he was going to throw up.  
And it didn’t help that he kept replaying how the night had ended in his head. 

_They are laughing, drinking. Buck had ordered a good bottle of Scotch, his favorite actually. Eddie’s favorite, too. To celebrate the renewal of their friendship. Neither of them quite realize that, between the two of them, the bottle is almost gone. They go quiet for a moment, basking in a joke one of them just told. They look at each other, grinning. The grins fade as they continue staring. It’s Buck who leans in, quickly, not giving either of them time to think. He kisses Eddie, sinking into it. Eddie stiffens in surprise, then softens. But the damage has been done. Buck backs away as soon as he feels Eddie’s less than enthusiastic response, stricken. He stammers apologies, standing up, backing away from the bar. Running out. Running home. Eddie stays on his stool, dumbstruck, hands on his lips where Buck’s had just been._

He’d been such an idiot. He wanted to blame it on the alcohol, but he hadn’t felt that drunk. Enough to be loose and relaxed, enough to be off balance, sure. Not enough to lose all sense of boundaries and propriety. Not enough to kiss his straight best friend, even if he was in love with him. No, Buck had only his idiotic brain to thank for that. 

Well, maybe he could blame it on Eddie’s gorgeous eyes. He _had_ gotten pretty lost in them before the kiss. 

Buck finally got up and out of bed, and immediately ran to the bathroom as his stomach revolted at the movement. He emptied its contents, not that there was much to bring back up. His one good decision had been not eating when he came home last night. 

When he felt mostly back to normal again, he went downstairs. To drink a whole bottle of water and make coffee. He wanted coffee so much. And his shift was starting soon. He’d have to see Eddie today. God, what was he going to say?

**_En ésta no/Nuestra historia nunca comenzó/Tal vez en otra vida/Pueda darte todo lo que siento ahora._ **

_“Oh, I forgive you. Also what it means to be part of a team.” Eddie points a finger and raises a brow. “Just...don’t do it again.” Buck smiles and Eddie grins. They come together for a hug._

_“Thank you, man,” says Buck into Eddie’s neck._

_They pull away from one another, but only a little bit. “Hey, want to get drinks later tonight?” Buck asks._

_“Sure, Chris is with Abuelita. I’ll meet you at Carter’s at eight?”_

_Buck smiles from ear to ear and Eddie mirrors him. “Can’t wait.”_

Eddie walked into the station, not sure what he was going to do. He hadn’t had the chance last night to reassure Buck, to tell him how he felt. He was just so surprised. He didn’t know Buck thought of him that way. He’d assumed his crush was one sided, because they’d been friends for so long. Surely Buck would have said something before now if he thought about Eddie in a romantic context? But then last night, he’s kissed him. 

_“Mmm, that’s my favorite Scotch,” Eddie says as he walks up to the bar, where Buck is sitting and waiting. He claps him on the back and Buck smiles up at him. Both of their hearts start to beat just a little faster at the contact, and Eddie clears his throat as he takes his hand away. He sits in the stool next to Buck and grins as the other man pours them both a glass. He hands one to Eddie and raises his own. “To friendship. To talking it out, to having healthy relationships. To us,” he says, and Eddie nods in agreement. The touch their glasses together before throwing back the shot._

_“Shit, that’s good whiskey, we need to take our time with the next one,” says Eddie._

_“Well, we’ve got all night,” replies Buck with a teasing grin._

**_Tal vez en otra vida seamos tú y yo/Y cante nuestra piel con una misma voz._ **

Eddie spotted Buck walk in from his perch near the balcony, and hurried to the locker room to catch Buck before he came upstairs for breakfast. He walked into the locker room, seeing Buck with his back to him. His very shirtless back. Eddie swallowed hard. 

“Uh, hey Buck, good morning.”

Buck spun around, a look of horror on his face. It was a little insulting, if Eddie was honest. 

“Eddie. Um. Hi.” It looked like Buck wasn’t sure what to say.

“Listen, Buck, about last night,” he started, but Buck cut him off. 

“I was way out of line, I know, I’m so sorry Eddie. It was...the Scotch. I had a bit too much, as my stomach kindly reminded me this morning. Can we just forget about it?”

Eddie’s heart sunk. He may not have responded to it right away, but he’d been dreaming of that kiss for a long time. And Buck wanted to forget it. He’d been so happy last night, and Buck had to go apologize for it? 

But he couldn’t ignore the desperate, pleading look on Buck’s face. All he ever wanted was for Buck to be happy, to be at peace. If this is what it took…

“Sure. Yeah, Buck. Whatever. We can forget it, if that’s what you want.”

_Buck stumbles into his apartment, almost crying with embarrassment and regret. He can’t imagine how confused and weirded out Eddie is. How is he going to explain it to Eddie without losing him?_

_Eddie wanders home, dazed and walking on air, the grin never leaving his face even as he worries about Buck’s reaction. Why did Buck run away? Eddie just needed a minute, but he wanted this too. He should call Buck tell him that._

_But he falls asleep, the day and the drinks catching up with him, the smile still on this face._

**_Tal vez en otra vida seas primero tú/En ésta vida no/En ésta no/No nos toca decirnos te quiero._ **


	2. Si tú no estás aquí.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the kiss, Buck misses Eddie as the distance between them has become unbridgeable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title: "Si Tú No Estás Aquí" by Rosana  
> Chapter by [Whis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whis/pseuds/Whis)  
> [Song](https://youtu.be/sKoK3XnTd3g)  
> End of notes for a translation

Buck presses play.

It’s an old tape, something that someone he met in South America recorded for him, with songs in Spanish he loves. 

He doesn’t remember the person who recorded it, but he remembers Eddie’s reaction when he found him dancing and singing some song by Chayanne. And sure, Buck is bad at dancing, and not the best singer, but Eddie looked at him with that fond look he used to reserve only for him, and Buck felt warm and happy. 

It’s a nice memory.

Now everything is different, dark and gloomy like the song pouring out of the radio...

**_No quiero estar sin ti/Si tú no estás aquí me sobra el aire/No quiero estar así/Si tú no estás la gente se hace nadie._ **

Everything seems dull and void these days. There aren’t surprise visits with a beer case and some snacks, or banter, or flirting in the kitchen, or games. Eddie is absent even when at work and Buck doesn’t know how to deal with that.

He was supposed to be his best friend and have his back. Instead of that, Eddie is all cold shoulders and blank stares and avoidance and ignorance… It’s worse than the days after the lawsuit, worse than the yelling in the grocery, because yelling meant that he still cared.

**_Si tú no estás aquí no sé/Que diablos hago amándote/_ **

Buck just misses Eddie and Chris so much. It’s as if his life has lost any kind of meaning, everything it’s just pointless and senseless. Sure, it’s not the first time they have been apart, but this time, Buck doesn’t believe it will change. 

Eddie hates him, and he… He loves Eddie with everything he has.

He can’t just stay there and wait for him to change his mind and forget about the kiss, it doesn’t change the fact that Eddie doesn’t love him the same way, perhaps he doesn’t love him at all. After all, he never misses him that much, unless he needs him for something, like taking care of Christopher or bailing him out of jail.

Something has to give, because Buck knows he deserves better than being around, waiting for someone to magically fall in love with him, it’s not gonna happen and Buck needs to grow up and face the truth 

He needs to get away. It will make him a coward, for sure, but he can’t just stay around, forced to look at Eddie’s face and see nothing there, only that stone calm expression of his, looking at him as if he was a stranger.

He  _ has to _ get away.

But it’s hard. He loves him, he needs his presence, without him he just can’t breathe, he feels like he doesn’t exist at all. 

_ You’ve already lost me, haven’t you,  _ asks Eddie’s voice inside his head, and there is nothing that Buck can say, because it’s the truth. Eddie is not there with him, not anymore, he hasn’t been in a while.

And it’s starting to affect their job. They just aren’t synchronized anymore, they don’t understand each other, not even when they yell each other instructions. It’s only a matter of time before they get someone hurt, or worse.

It almost happened today. 

When Buck thinks about it, he realizes it was something rather stupid and silly. They always move at the same time, they know their position, who goes first, who goes last when they climb the ladder, it depends on the order Bobby says their names when he sends them wherever they have to go. 

Bobby said Buck’s name first, so the young firefighter went to go first. Only this time Eddie had a different plan and tried to go up first. They both put the foot in the ladder at the same time, and what followed was a foolish argument. It lasted only a couple of minutes, Bobby made sure of that, but in their jobs, two minutes of delay was too much. It meant the fire had two minutes ahead of them. 

A kid almost paid the ultimate price because of their stupid fight…

Because of their stupid kiss...

Because Buck was stupid and couldn’t hide his feelings well enough and now everything is fucked up.

Buck looks at the screen, the words mocking at him. He just needs to press send and his life will change forever.

He has to do it, he knows that, but the idea of a life without Eddie is just overwhelming.

Buck closes his eyes and sends the email.

**_Derramaré mis sueños si algún día no te tengo/Lo más grande se hará lo más pequeño/Pasearé en un cielo sin estrellas esta vez/Tratando de entender quién hizo un infierno el paraíso._ **

The song ends with a sad note at the same time he gets the notification telling him the email has been received. 

It’s done, he has asked for a transfer.

He just damned himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No quiero estar sin ti/Si tú no estás aquí me sobra el aire/No quiero estar así/Si tú no estás la gente se hace nadie: I don't want to be without you/if you aren't here I have too much aire/I don't want to be like this/if you aren't here people become nobody.
> 
> Si tú no estás aquí no sé/Que diablos hago amándote: If you aren't here I don't know/what the hell I'm doing loving you
> 
> Derramaré mis sueños si algún día no te tengo/Lo más grande se hará lo más pequeño/Pasearé en un cielo sin estrellas esta vez/Tratando de entender quién hizo un infierno el paraíso: I will shed my dreams if someday I can't have you/ the biggest things will become the smallest/I'll walk through a sky without stars/trying to understand who changed Heaven into Hell.


	3. Que lloro.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some hard news hit Eddie, but even in the worst of times, Christopher has his back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title: "Que Lloro" by Sin Bandera  
> Chapter by [diazevan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/diazevan/pseuds/diazevan)

Eddie doesn’t know how he gets home or in all honesty, what had happened the entire day. He knows it’s dangerous to be so disconnected from reality, especially in his profession, but there is only so much you can do to connect with your surroundings when your heart is so broken like this. 

Back in the station, he had felt his whole world collapsing under him as soon as Bobby lets the team know that Buck is going back to the principal station to request his change to another station. His mind barely registers the other details, the ones about how normally it would be a simple procedure, but considering how much had happened with the lawsuit, it’s a case that requires more input from the central office. He also doesn’t realize everyone is looking directly at him, with different states of worry and anger. 

He’s not an idiot, he realizes how things had been shifting between him and Buck and that all of this is clearly his fault. But what else can a man do? He had tried so hard to have a sense of normality, to get back to their usual routine, but every time he looked at his partner the only thing he could remember how soft his lips were on his. On the worst days, Eddie can’t even look at him, too ashamed of how only the image of his best friend had been enough to send him to his release, just hours before. He feels like a maniac, too focused on just one thing to do anything else. 

So he keeps his distance. And it pains him every day, but it’s what he has to do, to at least preserve what the other man has with Christopher, because he is not that selfish. The distance messes with everything, including their work, and fuck, he still can’t believe they were so close to screwing it all up just because they are so out of tune with each other. 

Yet, he never saw this coming, not to this degree. How in the world has he missed that Buck was so uncomfortable around him that he couldn’t bear to be in the 118 anymore? When Buck had literally fought everyone to stay with their family and now, everything was ruined because of him. 

He was leaving him. There was no way around it. This was not about any other member of the squad or them in general, this was directly at him. Eddie has half a mind to wonder how in the world he had managed to lose him when he had done everything just to get to keep him in some way, in any way, when it’s all too clear. 

**_De pronto lo entendí/Mientras callaba/La vida me dijo a gritos/Que nunca te tuve y nunca te perdí._ **

_Buck was never his to lose._

The realization leaves him without air in his lungs. So this was really it, then? He had screwed the best very best thing that happened to him, to Christopher, just because he couldn’t control his feelings. _Again_. 

Now that he’s in the dark of his room, without the happy chatter of his son, Eddie doesn’t have anything to distract him of the crushing feeling of loneliness. It was all in his head, wasn’t it? All the lingering touches, all the long hugs, _that kiss_. They had been just fleeting moments that probably didn’t mean anything to Buck, just part of his too big of a heart, when for Eddie they had meant the entire world. At some points, the other man’s presence had been the only thing holding him together and for a time, he had kept in his heart the hope that Buck was already claiming him as his in his mind, just like he had done millions of times. 

Chris and Buck had both survived the tsunami, he really shouldn't expect God to give him two miracles. 

He is so inside his own grief that he somehow managed to ignore the soft sounds of Christopher’s crutches until his son is on the door, looking too worried for someone that had simply woken up in the middle of the night. Eddie doesn’t have to be a genius to know that it’s probably because of the tears that kept falling from his eyes. 

“Daddy, are you okay?” Because he’s a parent before he’s a heartbroken man, Eddie quickly cleans his face with the back of his hand and musters a smile, opening his arms quickly so Christopher can come closer. 

“Yeah buddy. Just had a bad dream” The weight of his kid in his arms soothes his heart and instantly makes him press him tightly against his chest, even more when Christopher puts his arms around Eddie’s neck. 

“Do you want me to stay with you until you fall asleep?” The sentiment and the serious tone of Christopher’s voice makes Eddie chuckle, nodding as he lifts him from the ground, and his nods are as enthusiastic as he can muster, considering the situation. 

After a moment, they are both in the bed, lying under the covers. With everything that had happened that day, Eddie gives thanks that he has such a great reminder that he is not alone. Yet, when Christopher looks up and places a hand of his cheek and whispers “You’re gonna be okay, kid,” another wound is opened. 

Is just the two of them again. 

And again, it’s his fault, for thinking about Buck as anything else apart from a good friend and a cool uncle for Christopher. For letting them both get closer and closer, under the fantasy that one day they would be officially a family, a home. He knows Buck won’t lose contact with Christopher, that he is not that kind of man, but he has to understand that her best friend’s love is only for the youngest Diaz. He never was in the equation to being with, it would seem, at least not in the way that he wanted to. 

Even if his brain or his heart didn’t want to catch up with reality, tomorrow Buck was putting it an end to life as they knew it, because of him. 

**_Que lloro por ti/Que lloro sin ti/Que ya lo entendí/Que no eres para mí/Y lloro._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations are: 
> 
> De pronto lo entendí/Mientras callaba/La vida me dijo a gritos/Que nunca te tuve y nunca te perdí: Suddenly I understood it when I was in silence, life told me screaming that I never had you and I never lost you. 
> 
> Que lloro por ti/Que lloro sin ti/Que ya lo entendí/Que no eres para mí/Y lloro: That I cry for you, that I cry without you, that now I understood that you are not for me and I cry.


	4. Y tú te vas.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie tries to stop Buck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title: "Y Tú Te Vas" by Chayanne  
> Chapter by [Whis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whis/pseuds/Whis)  
> Spanish version: https://youtu.be/ODsqyfI5R28
> 
> English version: https://youtu.be/GsI6V_DToHg  
> Thanks for all the kudos and comments, they made our day  
> Now, grab your tissue box and let's go

# 4\. Y tú te vas.

**_Nunca imagine la vida sin ti/En todo lo que me planteé, siempre estabas tu/Solo tu sabes bien quien soy/De donde vengo y a donde voy._ **

_This is it,_ Eddie thinks, the day Buck is going back to the chief office in order to have all the papers done. And then he will be out of his life. Sure, he is not moving out LA, but he is going to the other side, almost 2 hours away. 

That is two hours too many

Eddie thought he had more time to come to terms with Buck transfer, or to fix things up, or for some miracle to happen. He had been so naive. Good things don’t happen to those who wait, at least they don’t if Eddie is the one doing the waiting.

But Eddie did nothing, because deep down he always thought that Buck wouldn’t leave, that he would always be there, for him, with him and around.

It has been a week since Bobby let them know. The first week without Buck, as he has been given the week off in order to get everything ready. Seven days that everybody has spent trying to persuade Buck to stay with them. 

Everybody but Eddie.

Because he was a coward, and he thought the rest could convince his best friend so he wouldn’t have to go through a new rejection.

But here he is, in the station, with the rest of the team, waiting for that miracle that would never happen.

He can feel the looks, the disappointment rolling off Hen and Chim, perhaps even Bobby. Sooner or later they’ll ask and he will have to explain.

It’s after a bad call, one that almost ends in disaster because Eddie’s brain is missing in action and they are one man down. And it’s Hen the one who questions him, voice full of discontent and regrets, direct and short, but also kind and patient.

“Have you tried to speak to him?”

There is no need to ask who that him is, although Eddie debates with himself, perhaps it would buy him time, enough time to avoid the whole conversation until he is ready.

The thing is, he knows he won’t be ready any time soon, perhaps not ever. 

“I don’t think it would change anything,” he answers, and feels the truth in that statement deep in his bones and soul. He feels so deflated and broken, and for the first time he allows his teammate to see that part of him that he always keeps hidden in the shadows.

Hen and Chimney looks of disbelief make him chuckle. It’s an ugly sound coming out his mouth, but the things he is feeling are pretty horrible too, so he is not shocked.

“You are an idiot,” Hen says with Chim nodding enthusiastically at her side. He should feel insulted, but where is the lie? He is an idiot when it comes to Buck, and now he is losing him.

“You have to know he will stay if you ask him” Chim says, with such a strong conviction that he almost believes him…Almost.

“Let him be” Bobby cuts into the conversation, which is a big surprise from him. And there is an uncomfortable silence for a while, until Bobby says “Buck has a plane at 6 pm, plenty of time after our shift ends.”

And Eddie can hear the unspoken words by his captain: _Do something Diaz._

**_Y tu te vas/Y yo que me pierdo entre la nada (y tu te vas)._ **

It’s always difficult to sleep after a shift, especially when the day is starting outside the windows and the love of your life is leaving you behind.

Chim’s words resound in his brain, in a loop of regrets and silly hope.

_What if he is right?_

Eddie groans, tossing and turning, and although he is deep-bone tired, it takes him a ridiculous amount of time to fall asleep, and when he does, he dreams.

_He dreams of a life with Buck, brilliant, and shining and happy. He sees them together, in bed, exploring each other until they are spent and satiated. In his dream, he feels whole for the first time in what it feels like forever…But then, Buck looks at him, with tears in his beautiful eyes and tells him._

_“I have to go, I’m gonna miss my plane” and in his dreams, he doesn’t know what he is talking about, they are in bed, and happy, and they can stay there forever. “I’m leaving you, remember? You didn’t ask me to stay,” and with that, Buck disappears, and with him all the light in the room._

_Eddie yells in his dream, terrified, and desperate. He begs him to come back, again and again, but Buck doesn’t appear, and everything else in his dream disappears until Eddie is left in a dark room, without windows, doors or furniture, naked and raw. It’s ominous and frightening, and Eddie wants to get out, but he is lost in the darkness._

Eddie wakes up with a shout. It takes him a couple of beats to get his breath back. He is a mess of tears, sweat, and cum, and he would be ashamed if he wasn’t so petrified by fear.

_You have to do something._

He is so afraid of a new rejection, but that dream has put things in perspective. There is worse.

He shivers when he remembers the darkness and all the feelings from his dream.

 _You have to know he will stay if you ask him,_ Chim repeats in his head… But this time, this time Eddie believes him, if nothing else, because he won’t survive the alternative.

Decision made, Eddie looks at the clock. 5 PM. That is not a lot of time, especially with LA traffic and Chris school. He has to pick him up… And clean up himself…

Eddie goes as fast as he can. Just a quick shower and the same clothes he threw to the floor because he was too tired when he got home.

Calling Carla and Abuelita to get someone to pick up Chris doesn’t take too much time, but as he imagined, traffic is hell. 

By the time he gets to the airport, Eddie knows he is going to be late.

And yet, he doesn’t give up, he can’t.

He runs like a crazy man, looking for his best friend. He should be easy to see, he towers over most people. He starts yelling Buck's name. He doesn't mind the looks he is getting, the pity in strangers faces when he believes they are the blonde firefighter and forces them to face him. He doesn't concede defeat though, not even with the clock against him and a too big, crowded airport to explore. 

He races against time, chances and statistics and keeps hope and faith just because _It can't end_ like that, without a proper goodbye too many things left unsaid

Eddie’s heart shatters into millions of pieces when he sees Buck’s plane in the sky, flying away.

His guts told him it was Buck’s, and the symbols on the screen in the terminal confirms it.

Buck is gone, and Eddie feels the blackness wrap him in spite of the sun rays coming through the windows in the airport.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nunca imagine la vida sin ti/En todo lo que me planteé, siempre estabas tu/Solo tu sabes bien quien soy/De donde vengo y a donde voy = I never imagined life without you/in everything I planned you were always there/only you know who I am/where I come from, where I'm going
> 
> Y tu te vas/Y yo que me pierdo entre la nada (y tu te vas). = And you are leaving/and I get lost in the void


	5. Cosas que me ayudan a olvidar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title: "Cosas Que Me Ayudan a Olvidar" by Andrés Calamaro  
> Chapter by [Whis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whis/pseuds/Whis), [nilshki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nilshki/pseuds/nilshki), and [diazevan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/diazevan/pseuds/diazevan)  
> The first chapter written by the three of us! Enjoy this angsty monster ♥

**_Dentro del pecho tiene calor y frío/Y las cosas que lo ayudan a olvidar._ **

Eddie hits the punching bag again, harder.   
It wasn’t enough. He thinks back to that place Lena had taken him, during the lawsuit. Where it would be a person he punched, not a bag. To the offer he’d received after one of his fights, a place that would pay him if he won. A place that would let him go for as long as his rage would let him, no limits. 

It was a terrible idea. 

The memory of Buck’s lips on his passes through his brain. The image of Buck’s face as he walked away floats in front of his eyes. 

_Fuck this_. 

**_Una broma que una vez me hizo reir/Que me ayudaba a vivir/Que perdió su gracia._ **

The music is loud, almost annoying, it never was Buck’s cup of tea. 

He bruises some bodies in his way to the bar, pushes against the uncovered and sweaty skin. People are grinding against each other to the beat of the music, some hand lingers on his back and he just holds the person and kisses them for a while, until he gets tired and keeps going on.

This is Buck 1.0, he is back and it’s not funny at all. 

Later on, he fucks some guy that reminds him of Eddie. But he is a bit too short, the hair is too long, and his eyes are the wrong shade of brown. It pisses Buck off, and with a groan, he pins the man down, holding his head against the pillow with one hand while keeping a firm hold on the guy’s wrist with his other hand. 

He keeps a punishing rhythm and imagines it’s Eddie below him.

After he is done, and the fake Eddie is gone, Buck is left with all those feelings and thoughts he was trying to keep away

Not even Buck 1.0 helps him to forget everything he left behind. It doesn’t matter how many people he fucks or fuck him, none of them can compare to all the things Eddie could make him feel with one single look. 

Memories of Eddie’s lips under his assault him and Buck sinks in his pillows. 

He needs to forget, but nothing seems to work.

**_Y me quedo sin poder ni hablar/De las cosas que me ayudan a olvidar._ **

The hurt builds and builds inside of him, and he doesn’t have anywhere to put it. He’s at work, it’s been a week working completely without Buck. Of knowing he isn’t coming back. He’s worked without Buck before, but not...not like this. He’s been mad at Buck before, but not like this. 

He works through the shift, trying to turn off his thoughts. He has trouble, and he doesn’t miss the looks he gets from Hen, from Chim. From Cap. In the back of his head, he worries that Cap knows where he goes at night, knows that he’s hiding bruises and cuts. He needs to be more careful.

But he _needs_ to go back. He calls Abuelita, arranges a sleepover for Chris. His son doesn’t need to wonder why he gets home so late. 

**_Y miro adelante/Y me quedo sin poder recordar/Ni siquiera aquellas cosas que me ayudan a olvidar._ **

His new coworkers are all right. They won’t become his new family, he won’t allow it, but he can have a good working relationship with them.

They don’t have lunch together every day, nobody cooks for the team, they don’t celebrate victories and don’t try to forget their losses with a barbecue or a day at the zoo. 

When they have a bad day, Buck goes to some random bar, one of those whose patrons are mostly drunks and misfits. Lately, he likes it dirty and raw, with a touch of danger, alcohol, and marijuana.

He sinks into bodies, again and again, and hopes he gets lost in their warmth and never comes out.

Sometimes he misses his other life, back when he was sensitive and wanted love and family. But what did that get him? A broken heart and loneliness. 

**_Es una canción que viene con el olvido._ **

Eddie bounces on the balls of his feet, the anticipation building. He’s been coming here for weeks. He’s been _winning_ for weeks. 

The announcer calls his name, and his opponent’s. He walks through the gate, grinning. He’s going to win. The guy is big, sure. That just means more people will bet against him. More money in his pocket, no skin off his back. Well, not much. 

The guys swings and he ducks. Throws a punch that doesn’t land, feints another before sending an uppercut to the other guy’s jaw to send him stumbling a few steps. But his opponent recovers quickly, charging Eddie and knocking him into the fencing, forcing the air from his lungs for a terrifying, glorious second. He catches his breath and slips out of the hold, darting around and away from the other man. Looks up into his eyes. Sees Buck’s flash there for a split second. _Fuck._ He shakes his head, trying to focus, but it’s too late. The guys lands a punch on his stomach and Eddie folds his body in half, gasping as his opponent uses the opportunity for a kidney punch. Eddie grunts and pushes him away. Stands tall, throws a punch. And another. Each one lands, he backs the guy up nearly to the middle of the ring. Throws one more, knocking the guy over. Stands over him, ready to keep going. But his opponent taps out, and Eddie raises his hands above his head and roars. 

If only for this moment, he forgets. He’s free, he’s in control. He _won._

**_Si la fortuna quiere que me acompañe/Antes que se pase el tiempo de vivir._ **

Buck has graduated to orgies. 

His nights are wild and it’s starting to affect his job. He is tired and hungover more often than not, but ironically, he is off his blood thinners, who could have guessed?

When he gets the news, he wants to call Bobby or Eddie… mostly Eddie. But he doesn’t.

He has a new number that he uses to drink-dial Eddie at night after he is done fucking and being fucked and he is sexually satiated but emotionally frustrated. 

He puts his clothes on and leaves the club. He feels lonely and hollow, as he does every time he goes to one of those places. It doesn’t matter how many times he cums, he can’t stop missing Eddie.

His (former) best friend dominates his thoughts, his dreams, his life. 

All the sex, the drugs, and the alcohol aren’t helping at all, and not for the first time since he started his downwards spiral, Buck wonders why is he doing all those things if they never make him feel right.

Even Buck 1.0 had fun. But this new version of himself - and he’s admitted to himself this is a new version, something dark and unrecognizable that sends shivers down his spine - just keeps sinking in the shadows of a world that won’t give him anything worthwhile.

Somebody shouts his name at his back. He doesn’t recognize her voice, but it doesn’t matter, he never remembers their faces.

He knows what they want, and he should ignore her. But he thinks, _fuck it_ , and goes with her.

**_Hay un hombre volviendo a casa cruzando el río._ **

It’s affecting his work, he knows it is. He wakes up each morning feeling like an old man. His muscles ache and his cuts burn and his bruises are tender. He takes the strongest painkillers that won’t fog up his brain at work, but they aren’t enough. He hurts all of the time. His heart in particular, but sometimes his body is so sore he can barely tie his shoes. 

He’s glad Christopher is getting more independent, wanting to do things without Eddie’s help. Otherwise he’d notice that Eddie can’t really help him. Eddie thinks he may notice anyway. He’s been careful to avoid punches to the face or other obvious places, but his kid is smart and observant. And he’s been spending a lot more time with other caretakers. Which Christopher hasn’t commented on, except for a slight questioning look that goes away as soon as it appears, every time Eddie announces that Chris is sleeping at Abeulita’s, or at Pepa’s.

The guilt twists in Eddie’s gut at those looks, but it doesn’t stop him.

Nothing stops him.

He steps through the gate, ready for another. Needing another. He’s already fought twice tonight, but there’s nothing else that lets him forget, nothing else that gives him the feeling he has in the moment just after he’s beaten someone to the ground. He’s chasing that feeling. 

He starts out by throwing a few punches, and his opponent counters, sending him to the ground. He bounces back up, dodges a blow, and drags the other guy to the ground. They both go rolling before finding their footing again. Eddie throws punch after punch, getting closer to his opponent. They get locked together and Eddie is unable to land a good throw. He grits his teeth, determined, and spins, elbowing the guy in the face. They both go flying, and come back to circle each other. He punches the guy’s face, again, again. The other guys has stopped responding, but Eddie isn’t done. He sends a sharp kick to the jaw, and his opponent drops like a rock. 

The crowd goes wild. Eddie breathes heavily, wipes the sweat from his upper lip, and looks around, pleased. He raises one hand up in victory. 

Until he notices the other guy convulsing on the ground. He rushes over, crouching, shakes the guy’s face. “Hey, hey, hey, can you hear me?”

He hears the club owner shout down, “What the hell’s going on?”

Eddie’s chest tightens in panic as he gets no response from the man on the ground. “He’s not breathing, call 9-1-1.” The club owner refuses - this place is illegal after all. Eddie works quickly, clearing the guy’s airway, removing the piece of bone from his nose that Eddie had sent flying through his brain. An onlooker crows, “Holy crap, is he dead?” Eddie thinks fast, grabbing the person’s phone. He just almost killed someone. This guy could still die. This has to end. 

“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”

**_Otro que vuelve a casa cruzando el mar._ **

Thanks to an extremely busy week, it has been five days since he last had sex, and although he doesn’t miss it, he misses the rest of things, like the hunt and the company. It’s better than staying at home, alone, watching bad television and drinking bad beer. It’s hard to keep his mind blank when he is alone with his thoughts.

Buck is getting ready to go out when his phone rings. At first, he decides to ignore the call, it’s never important, at least no more important than to take care of his needs. But then he sees the name on his screen and his heart does that funny thing that it always does when something Eddie related happens. This time, it reminds him he is still alive, and he still feels and wants more than lust and sex.

He debates with himself whether he should answer the call or steer clear of it. In the end, he picks up, and prays the call is not about Christopher being hurt, or anyone else for that matter.

“Hello?”

“Buck?” Christopher’s voice comes from the other side of the phone, and that wasn’t what he was expecting, but he is so happy nevertheless. It’s not that they haven’t spoken since Buck moved on, the firefighter always tries to call the kid at least once or twice a week. 

“Hey buddy, it’s me, how are you kiddo?”

There was silence on the other side of the phone, and Buck fears Christopher had to leave for some reason, but then he hears a sob, small and nearly silent, and not Christopher at all, only... it is.

“Chris, what is happening, is your dad okay?” 

“No, he is not,” and when Buck hears that he feels like he has been punched in the stomach.

“What do you mean Chris, what happened, is he there, have you called 9-1-1?”

“I can’t call 9-1-1.”

“What, why not?”

“I don’t want daddy to get in trouble… Buck, will you let me stay with you if something happens to dad?”

There are no words to describe how Christopher’s request makes him feel. It’s like being punched in the stomach, kicked in the balls and drowned in cold water, all at the same time, and the worst is, he doesn’t know what to tell the kid. Of course, he would take care of Christopher, he adores him, but then, that annoying voice in his head that sounds like Bobby reminds him that his new life is not the best. It’s really a surprise he is still alive and well with all the times he has put himself in danger.

“Buck, please, I don’t want to go back to Texas, and Abuelita can’t take care of me as well as she would want, don’t you want to take care of me?”

“What, of course I want to take care of you, you have to know that buddy… But I need to know what’s happening.”

He can hear Christopher’s thoughts and fears, through the phone, and when he finally speaks, he doesn’t sound like his usual self. 

“I think dad is fighting...he gets home covered in bruises, but he says it’s nothing…but it’s not, today he couldn’t bend to give me a kiss, and he had a fight with Abuelita,” and with that, Christopher starts crying. It takes him a while to get Christopher calmed, and he does but he thinks it takes him around ten minutes. At that point, Buck just wants to fix it, whatever thing that needs to be fixed in order to see his Christopher happy.

“Better?”

“Yeah, thank you Buck.”

“Your welcome, but now, buddy, I need to speak with your dad.”

“Okay,” he says with that shy voice he uses when he knows things are not going his way, but he will have to go nevertheless.

What are they doing? Christopher’s call breaks his heart. The kid is in pain, that much is obvious, and they can only blame themselves

It’s a bitter wake up. He can’t keep this going on. What if something happens to Eddie and Buck has to look after Christopher? He can’t do that if he is in the middle of one of his self-destructive shits. Because that is what he has been doing for a while.

It has to end, if for no other reason than because Chris can’t lose his dad and Buck at the same time, he has already lost too much.

Buck hears Eddie speaking to Christopher. He sounds annoyed and pissed off, and he doesn’t believe the thing with Eddie will be fixed anytime soon, but he needs to try, if nothing else, because of Christopher.

He would do anything for that kid.

**_Me parece que esta noche sigo igual._ **

Eddie answers the phone absently, not entirely sure who is going to be on the other side, and his heart nearly stops when Buck’s voice comes from the other side. God, he missed that voice so much and it hits him so fucking hard that he has to hold himself against the wall to not fall into his knee. He can’t even register what Buck is saying, too engrossed on the sound, until there is a more insistent tone to his voice.

“Hey man, you can’t ignore me. Not when Christopher calls me fucking crying and saying horrible things…”

For the second time in the span of a few seconds, Eddie’s brain shuts down. “He said what?”

“He called me! And he was crying because apparently, he is so worried about the bruises you have been bringing home that he feels the need to ask me if I’m willing to take him in if something happens to you. How about that?”

“I… I didn’t know that he was hearing me and abuela talk. Buck, listen...”

“And that suddenly makes it all okay? Because you thought he didn’t know? Eddie, I… Look. You don’t have to talk to me, but you have to talk with someone. Okay? I don’t know what is going on but do you see what’s happening here?”

And Eddie knows, he had known as soon as the fear of that guy being dead had appeared in his mind; he has been pushing too hard and these are the consequences of his own actions. He can’t even feel a little better knowing Buck is talking to him again, because he knows this is all about Christopher. No matter how hurt Buck is, that kid always comes first. _Their_ kid. 

That thought, that had been buried weeks ago in the back of his mind, it’s enough to bring tears to his eyes. It’s a crushing feeling, but it also comes with relief mostly because even if Christopher has an incompetent father, at least he also has a wonderful one. 

“Eddie?” Gone are all traces of Buck’s anger now and he sounds small and he doesn’t have to be a genius to figure out that the other man thought he was left talking alone. 

“I do.” Eddie cleans his nose with the back of his hand, sniffing without being able to hide it. “I’m sorry.” For being a fuck up, for _everything_. It’s too much for one night and he feels his sanity about to give up because this wasn’t supposed to be happening. They were supposed to be home, together, watching a movie on the couch. They were supposed to be preparing dinner while they hear all about Christopher’s day. 

Buck is supposed to be there, with his unlimited hugs and blinding smiles. 

“Hey.” The voice on the other side of the line brings him a clear image of Buck, all eyebrows knit together, a hand on his shoulder. “You make mistakes, man. You… Just don’t do it again, okay?”

His own words being thrown back at him makes him want to cry and laugh at the same time; he is pretty sure he does both, but he feels so surrounded by Buck’s infinite understanding that is a little bit hard to connect with everything around him, even with himself. He is left with this insane want to tell him everything, about the fighting and about the scare he just had and about how much he _fucking loves him_. “I won’t.” 

Buck’s own laughter mends a bit of his broken heart. “I’ll call tomorrow, okay? Don’t make me call abuela, Eddie, I swear…”

Under the threat, it’s easy to pinpoint the uneasiness in his partner's voice. Eddie is almost distracted by the way his brain easily falls back to call Buck’s his, even just after a half ass phone call. “Yeah, I’ll be here.” 

It’s not perfect. Buck is still not here and he still won’t be there when he goes to work tomorrow, but something _feels_ better, like a middle ground. He is never being too fond of grey areas, but for now, it had to be enough. 

For now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dentro del pecho tiene calor y frío/Y las cosas que lo ayudan a olvidar: Inside the chest there is warm and cold, and the things that help him forget.  
> Una broma que una vez me hizo reir/Que me ayudaba a vivir/Que perdió su gracia: A Joke that once made me laugh, that helped me live, that lost it's grace.  
> Y me quedo sin poder ni hablar/De las cosas que me ayudan a olvidar: And I'm left without talking about the things that help me forget.  
> Y miro adelante/Y me quedo sin poder recordar/Ni siquiera aquellas cosas que me ayudan a olvidar: And I look forward, and I'm left without being able to remember, not even the things that help me forget.  
> Es una canción que viene con el olvido: It's a song that comes with oblivion.  
> Si la fortuna quiere que me acompañe/Antes que se pase el tiempo de vivir: If fortune wants to join me, before the time of living passes.  
> Hay un hombre volviendo a casa cruzando el río: There is a man coming back home crossing the river.  
> Otro que vuelve a casa cruzando el mar: Another that comes back home crossing the sea.  
> Me parece que esta noche sigo igual: I think that tonight I'm the same.


	6. Un siglo sin tí

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title: "Un siglo sin tí" by Chayanne  
> Chapter by [diazevan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nilshki/diazevan/diazevan)  
> FINALLY SOME FLUFF

Having this phone friendship with Buck is enough for about a week. And honestly, he should have seen it coming, because now that he can have Buck’s voice over the phone, the need to have all the rest is almost maddening. He doesn’t want to tell him about the calls or the weird joke Chimney made; Eddie wants him to be there to enjoy all of that with him. He knows the rest of the team thinks the same. 

The next day, after the phone call, he speaks with Bobby and tells him the truth. As wonderful as it was to have Buck in his life in some way, he is aware it won’t instantly make everything better. The itching of fighting is still there and he needs help to stop, real help. His captain is quick to make him an appointment with a therapist. Absolutely every part of him screams in opposition, but he just nods and promises to be there. 

He manages to go to two sessions that week and it helps with his grief, but also with the part when he figures out that they are not in the 1920s and this whole phone pen pals thing, it’s very middle school. Something has to be done and soon. 

Buck was hurt by his actions, by his distance, so much that he had to move stations. It’s only fitting that he gets an apology of the same proportions. 

_**Y ahora que no estas aquí/ Me doy cuenta cuanta falta me haces** _

He says as much when he brings that reasoning to the rest of the team. They all hear for about five minutes before the teasing starts, about how Eddie wants to sleep on the bed and not on the couch anymore, but it’s light and they are all on board to help him with whatever he decides to do. He wasn’t worried about that, considering how obvious is that their team is not complete without the other man. 

It’s a little embarrassing, but Eddie has a pretty good idea about what he can do. And no, it does not come from a comment Chris made to say that he should give Buck a big sorry card, not at all. He just had inspiration for something that gives the same message, with the same visuals. Total coincidence. Not even his marriage proposal was this big, and there is absolutely no need to follow that line of thought, so it’s only natural that he is nervous while he plans the whole thing with his friends. It leaves room for absolutely nothing else in his mind and, strangely, it’s a much better therapy than the two sessions he had. 

When the day comes, he feels like he is too big for his own skin. 

Maddie picks his outfit, only with half a death glare, and Christopher insists on helping Carla with breakfast so his dad has all the time in the world to get ready. “This is important, daddy!” Since the night of the phone call, Eddie can’t deny him anything he wants, within reason. There is still too much guilt. 

So here is the plan.

Bobby has talked with Buck’s new captain and there is supposed to be a call, just after his real shift ends. It’s obviously fake, nothing too extreme, but they are supposed to go to the highest floor of a building. Once they are there, someone has to make sure Buck looks through the window and there, on the rooftop of a smaller building, Eddie would be there. Also, in that second, an enormous sign with the words “i’m sorry” will fall and cover another building, just in front of the window. It’s simple enough, once you have proper clearance to use the buildings.

Eddie follows the plan though his phone, hating how he decided to do this at noon on a sunny Saturday. Bad idea, if he didn’t want to sweat to death. Still, everything is going according to plan and from his position, he gets a glimpse of Buck’s squad getting to the building. This is really it. 

_**Si te he fallado, te pido perdón de la única forma que sé /Abriendo las puertas de mi corazón / Para cuando decidas volver** _

His eyes moved behind him, where Maddie and the rest of the 118 are watching and getting ready to drop the sign. There is no going back now, not that he wants to, and when Buck’s whole upper frame appears on the window, Eddie’s complete heart stops and he almost misses the confusion on his beautiful face, but it’s what sets him in action. He turns back slightly, still with his eyes on his partner and he feels more than sees the sign drop. 

Buck’s eyes open so big that they almost fall off his face, moving between the sign and Eddie and just when the older man is considering take back everything that he has ever done in his entire life, the blonde disappears inside the building. His face drops, until one of the other firefighters appears on the window. “He is coming to get you!”

Okay, so now what?

The few minutes feel like an eternity, mostly because he can’t look down to see what is happening. He stares at the other building, at the sign and tries to remember everything he has plan to say, all that he has practiced, until of course, Evan Buckley appears like a dream in front of him. 

Seeing Buck so close again it’s almost like a religious experience. Was he always so tall? And wow, were his arms always this big because they are really something else. He would really have no problem to have a crisis about how attractive he is under the sun but…

Was his smile always this breathtaking? 

It makes him reply with one of his own that is so big that it makes his cheeks hurt. It reminds him of why he is here, of how much he is getting back if this is all goes well. “I’m sorry, Evan” His words don't match his smile, but he can't stop. 

“Yeah, I got that. There is a big sign and all.” Before Buck can’t say anything else, Eddie keeps talking. There's so much he still needs to get out, to make him listen. 

**_Que todos aprendemos de nuestros errores / Solo yo te pido que ahora me perdones_ **

“I’m sorry for everything. I… I know I have said it before but you have to understand, you have to know how much I need you.” Buck’s eyes lose all his glee to give way to complete shock, like he can’t believe those words are coming out of Eddie’s mouth. How can he not know? After  _ everything _ . “I need you back, Buck. Not just your voice, but all of you, everyday, having my back.” He steps closer, just slightly. “I need you to see how sorry I am because if there is any chance to have you back, I need to hold onto it.” 

This is not about having him back with the team, not anymore. 

_**Has cambiado mi vida / Me has hecho crecer, es que no soy el mismo de ayer** _

“You made my life so much better and when I thought I could lose you,  _ man _ , I went out of my mind. And I was an idiot, I still am, but I  _ love  _ you and I have to believe that you…”

He is so caught up in everything that it’s coming out of his mouth that he doesn’t notice Buck is walking to him, or almost running to be precise, until he can feel the roughness of his hands on both of his cheeks and the miraculous press of his lips on his own. Yes,  _ miraculous _ . Buck is kissing him and it’s a fucking miracle. 

His arms waste no time to hold him by the waist, pressing the other against his body. It’s perfect, everything that their first kiss should had been. Eddie feels light headed that he gets to do this again, that he actually has the opportunity to amend his stupid decisions and in the end, get to kissed by the love of his life on a sunny rooftop, hearing cheers and claps in the background. This is what being loved feels like, he has no doubt. Especially when Buck moved slightly away from him, eyes so soft that it’s almost impossible not to surge forward to kiss him again. 

“Consider yourself forgiven, buddy.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important note over here! For a clarification of what the whole thing look, here is the video of the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYZlT2iYRh8 (also, you are welcome for the man candy)
> 
> Translations:  
> Y ahora que no estas aquí/ Me doy cuenta cuanta falta me haces: And now that you are not here, I realize how much I miss you.  
> Si te he fallado, te pido perdón de la única forma que sé /Abriendo las puertas de mi corazón / Para cuando decidas volver: If I have failed you, I apologize in the only way I know, opening the doors of my heart for when you decide to come back.  
> Que todos aprendemos de nuestros errores / Solo yo te pido que ahora me perdones: That we all learn from our mistakes, I just ask you now that you forgive me.  
> Has cambiado mi vida / Me has hecho crecer, es que no soy el mismo de ayer: You have changed my life, you have made me grown and i'm not the same than yesterday.


	7. Punto y aparte

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A very needed conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Punto y Aparte by Morat  
> Chapter by [nilshki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nilshki/pseuds/nilshki)  
> [Song](https://youtu.be/_26FQfH8994)

**_Y haré de todo para no soltarte/Porque yo nunca me cansé de amarte_ **

“Buck, what happened that night?”

They were laying in Eddie’s bed. _Their bed_. Wrapped up in each other. Just laying there, not doing anything except kissing. The afternoon sunlight fell across their bodies, warming them, and Buck felt completely at peace. Until Eddie asked that question. 

Buck looks at Eddie, confused. “Are you talking about the bar?” Eddie nods. 

“I kissed you, you froze,” Buck shrugs, not wanting to talk about it further. It still embarrassed him. The immediate aftermath, the fallout later, was all because of that night. 

But Eddie pushes. “Buck, I was surprised. But you ran out before I could even react.”

Buck looks at the ceiling. “I was so fucking scared, Eddie. I was - am - so in love with you. And I thought you were straight, I thought you loved me like a friend and nothing more. I was okay with that. As long as you and Chris were in my life, I was okay with that. And then I kissed you. And I felt like an idiot because I had changed things between us, and I didn’t want them to change.”

He looks at Eddie, whose face does nothing to hide his guilt.

“Hey, hey Eddie, that’s not your fault.” Buck takes Eddie’s cheek in his palm, wipes away a tear with his thumb. But Eddie shakes his head. 

“I should have said something so much sooner, Evan. I’ve been in love with you for what feels like forever. Definitely since the tsunami. And I was worried I was just pining over you, so I didn’t say a thing. And then you kissed me. And I was flying. Buck, it was the best feeling in the world.” Buck can feel his own eyes welling up, and opens his mouth to speak, but Eddie continues. 

“And then you told me you wanted to forget it. Like it was a stupid mistake, like wanting me was something you were ashamed of. And I can’t deny you anything - if it would make you happy to forget it, we would forget it. Except I couldn’t. I was so hurt and mad and I couldn’t be normal around you anymore, because in my head you told me that wanting me was something you never wanted.”

Buck presses his forehead to Eddie’s. “Eddie, Eddie. Wanting you, loving you? It’s everything I could ever ask for.” He pecks Eddie’s lips with his own, tasting the smile his words brought. He loves that he could make Eddie smile like that. But he has questions too, and they were going to make that beautiful smile go away. 

“Eds...can you tell me about the fights?”

As predicted, Eddie pulled back a little, rolled over to lay on his back. But he didn’t take his arm out from under Buck’s head, which was encouraging. 

“I was so angry, Evan. At you, at the situation, but mostly at me. For fucking it up, for not being the friend you needed, for not telling you that we needed you here. That I needed you here. Lena had taken me to a street fight when I was pissed about the lawsuit, and I had found it a good release at the time. Somewhere I could put anger. So I went back. And when that wasn’t enough, I found dirtier fights. Places they wouldn’t stop me when I got carried away. Because I needed to get carried away. The only time I wasn’t thinking of missing you was when I won. Even when I was beating on someone else I was missing you. Wishing you were there to stop me.”

Buck traces his fingers lightly over Eddie’s chest as he speaks. Eddie grabs his hand and kisses it before continuing. 

“And then I almost killed someone. Lena’s station showed up for the call. Her disappointment...even she thought I was an idiot, and she fights. I knew I had to stop. Then I found Christopher on the phone with you. It was like a sucker punch. I hadn’t heard from you and now there you were, and you were telling me that Chris knew and was worrying and -”

He pauses, taking a deep breath. “I had already decided to stop, but that sealed it. I couldn’t keep doing that to Christopher.”

Buck scooted closer and wrapped his arm tighter around Eddie. “That was the breaking point for me, too,” he said. “I wasn’t taking care of myself, and Christopher reminded me that even if I didn’t have you, I had him. And I needed to be okay, for him.” He leans in and kisses Eddie gently, tasting the tears and brushing them away. Eddie deepens the kiss, wrapping his arm around Buck’s waist and bringing them somehow, impossibly, closer. Buck moans and sinks blissfully into the heat. And panics.

His heart starts beating too fast, his body goes cold, and he pulls away from Eddie, who stares in concern and confusion. 

“Evan?”

He sits up, leans against the headboard and rests his head on his knees, catching his breath. “I’m okay Eddie, I just need a sec.”

“You’re not okay, Evan, but that’s okay. What’s wrong? Did I go too fast?” Eddie sounds really worried and Buck looks up. 

“It’s just...sex has been weird for me lately? Ever since I left? And that just reminded me of the person I don’t want to be anymore. 

Eddie has sat up next to him, and gathers Buck in his arms. Buck leans his head on Eddie’s shoulder and talks softly. 

“I went back to Buck 1.0. Well, further, actually. Before, I had fun, I hung out with people, I was _with_ them when I was with them, you know?” He feels Eddie nod against his head and gets the courage to continue. “It was...bad, Eddie. I didn’t care about anyone, it didn't matter who they were as long as I could fuck them or they could fuck me. I needed the feeling, but it didn’t help. I kept wishing it was you. I left as soon as I was done, every time, because I couldn’t bear to lay around with someone who wasn’t you. I don’t know any of their names, I couldn’t pick them out in a crowd. I was just drunk, or stoned. And I was barely enjoying it, certainly not for longer than it took me to get off.”

Eddie takes Buck’s face in his hand and turns him to look him right in the eyes. 

“I don’t blame you for that. You know I don’t right? That I would never be mad about that?”

Buck flicks his eyes away but Eddie gently pinches his chin and he looks back. “I know that now?” he says hesitantly. Eddie kisses him, softly. 

“I know you’re not proud of it Buck, I know it wasn’t healthy. But I’m not proud of what I did, and it certainly wasn’t healthy either. But we both realized that our lives were worth more than that, and then we found our way back. And that’s all that matters now. That, and we actually talk to each other instead of running away.”

Buck nods, finally smiling again. “Thank God for Chris.”

Eddie hums in agreement. “Yes, very much, but my son isn’t exactly what I want to be thinking about right now…”

Buck raises a brow and grins. Eddie smiles right back.

“I’m not in any rush for sex, we can take things real slow, as slow as you want. But I really want to make out with you now, if that’s okay?” Eddie asks. Buck nods. 

“But only if I’m allowed to give you hickeys.”

Eddie groans into his mouth as he straddles and kisses him. 

“Evan, I swear? You can do whatever you want to me. I’m yours, forever, okay?”

“I’m yours, and you’re mine. I like that a lot. I love you Eddie.” 

**_Punto y aparte/Tú sabes bien que yo no juro en vano/Y estoy jurando no soltar tus manos._ **


	8. Algo de color en la oscuridad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie and Buck navigate their new relationship. It's not as easy as they thought.
> 
> We are trying something different here, two different songs for two different mindsets  
> [ Buck song:](https://youtu.be/mzxlU8MRJTU)  
> [ Eddie song:](https://youtu.be/wfOs4l1xOCk)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title based on mixing two songs that represent two souls starting iin different places and their journey to end in the same place,  
> Buck song: El lado óscuro by Jarabe de Palo (Bold)  
> Eddie song: Color Esperanza by Diego Torres (Italic and Bold)  
> Chapter by [Whis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whis/pseuds/Whis), [nilshki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nilshki/pseuds/nilshki), and [diazevan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/diazevan/pseuds/diazevan)  
> 

**_Pintarse la cara color esperanza/_ ** **_tentar al futuro con el corazón._ **

“So, Eddie, how are we doing today? Have you worked on the breathing exercises we introduced last time, when you’re feeling overwhelmed?” was the first thing Frank asked him when he sat down. Eddie sighed. He knew he needed therapy, he just wished it didn’t involve so much  _ talking _ . He was more of an action guy. Which, of course, is what had gotten him into this mess in the first place.

“It’s been working, for the most part,” he responded. But it’s hard not having a physical outlet, you know? I know the fights were bad, that they were unhealthy. But they were also the only place I put my emotions and I still don’t know what to do with them if I don’t have the fights.”

Frank nodded. “Yes, that’s something you’ve expressed in previous sessions. Why do you think your emotions need a physical form of expression?”

Eddie shrugged. “I guess I was never a big talker, not about the important stuff anyway. It was a problem when I was with Shannon too. We’d have sex instead of talking, it almost ruined everything.”

“So don’t you think maybe the answer isn’t another physical outlet?”

Eddie felt tears sting his eyes as he spoke. “I don’t know how to show how I feel otherwise.”

“What about your son?”

Eddie’s eyes flicked to Frank’s in surprise. 

“What about him?”

“You show him physical affection, of course. That’s what’s most comfortable to you. Do you have trouble giving him verbal affirmations of love as well?” 

Eddie sat thinking for a while. He thought of all the times he’d overtly told Chris he loved him, or said “thank god for you, son.” Other people he rarely told than that he loved them. But Chris?

“I don’t have any issues when it’s Christopher.”

Frank nodded again. “Why do you think that is?”

“I don’t know.”

“Try to think.”

Eddie bit his lip. “He’s my son. I’ll love him no matter what. I need to make sure he knows that.”

“Interesting. And you don’t have the same need with the other relationships in your life?”

“I love him unconditionally. There aren’t too many other relationships like that.” Eddie swallowed hard and tried not to let the tears fall. But they were partly happy. “He’s my son. It’s as simple as that. Nothing else is that simple.”

Frank looked at him. “Do you want some of that freedom, some of that simplicity, in your other relationships. With Buck, for instance?”

Eddie’s stomach swooped at the mention of Buck. It was still new to think about how deep their relationship was.

“He’s still going through a lot, we both are. We separated from each other at a time when we were both vulnerable, instead of being there for each other. I told him I love him, I made sure he knows. I make sure he knows. But we still have a long way to go.”

Frank continued to just look at him.

Eddie kept talking. “I want to be there for him. There’s still hurt and rage inside me and hurt and shame inside him. I need to be able to be honest with him and make sure he knows he can be honest with me. But I’m scared.”

“How so?” Frank asked.

“Like I said, he’s not in a great place still. What if my shit, on top of his, is too much?” 

“Have you asked him?” Frank raised a brow. Eddie blew out a breath. 

“No.”

“Then I think that’s your first step.”

**Puede que hayas/Nacido en la cara buena del mundo/Yo nací en la cara mala/Llevo la marca del lado oscuro.**

Eddie sleeps easily at his side, as if he was unaffected by his kisses, his tongue, his teeth and his hands. It doesn’t matter what Buck does and whispers with his best rough and most sensual voice, Eddie always stops before they go too far and they roam from the waist down. 

It’s frustrating.

Buck gets up. He needs to do something that isn’t staying in bed, awake and nervous. His skin is buzzing with energy, and he knows what he needs, what he always does when he is too wired up. But Eddie is asleep because Buck asked him to take things slow.

He knows he should be grateful. Eddie is being patient and understanding, even though he has his own problems.

Buck’s feet lead him to the kitchen, where he pours himself a glass of water. He needs something stronger, like whiskey or a joint. But those are other things he has given up too. He looks at the hall, where Christopher’s room is engulfed by the shadows of the night, to remind himself why alcohol and marijuana aren’t an option.

The fresh water hits his throat. It’s not enough, he doesn’t want cold, he wants warm and bitter.

Perhaps if he jerks off…

He shakes his head. That is not really what he wants. He needs Eddie, not his own hands, or some stranger’s hands and mouth.

He just doesn’t understand why Eddie is so cool with all of this. With the waiting, and the first base kisses. They have been stuck at second base for weeks - months - and he has enough, he needs more.

His reflection in the kitchen window mocks him. He is a mess, his hair is all over the place, he is pale and his birthmark stands out more than ever, like a pulsating sign of how fucked up he is. Perhaps that is the problem, Eddie, pure, selfless Eddie has seen beyond the smile and the rainbows and sunshine attitude of Buck and has seen the real person, too dark, too fucked up to have a real relationship and a real family, and how could he love him now? 

He doesn’t deserve his boyfriend and the older man knows it.

Buck looks at the mark on his front and he sees it too. He is tainted 

  
  


**_Sé que hay en tus ojos con solo mirar/Que estas cansado de andar y de andar/Y caminar girando siempre en un lugar._ **

Eddie walks into the kitchen to see Buck, hands gripping the counter, staring unseeing out of the window.

“Babe?” he asks. “What’s wrong, why aren’t you in bed?”

The blonde shakes his head. Unbelievable, doesn’t he see that everything is wrong with Buck? He doesn’t know how to explain the turmoil within him, so he says nothing.

“Evan, hey, hey, come on, talk to me?” He reaches his arms up and tries to pull Buck into an embrace.

Buck jerks away. He can’t bear Eddie’s touch, not now, when he wants it too much. He shouldn’t touch him, Eddie is gonna get the mark too. Eddie looks so beautiful and earnest, and Buck can’t stand it, he is too brilliant and it hurts.

Eddie tries to hide the hurt from his face but he knows he’s not doing an amazing job. He doesn’t say anything though, except, “let’s go back to bed, we can talk there. You can tell me what’s going on in that beautiful head of yours.” He holds out a hand to Buck, praying that he’ll take it, that he’ll say something. That Eddie can ease that tortured look from his face. He’d do nearly anything right now to see a genuine smile from Buck.*

**Y que me dejes o te deje/Eso ya no me da miedo** **.**

Beautiful? An ugly sound escapes his mouth, is half snort half sob, and he hates it, hates the way that makes Eddie look at him, worried and fearful. His birthmark is still there, and in his mind, it looks darker and bigger. He isn’t beautiful, he doesn’t deserve Eddie genuine concern, but he needs it. Just like he needs his touch, and his kisses and so much from him. 

_ Too much _ , insists a voice in his head.

He needs Eddie to leave, if nothing else, until Buck gets a hold on himself and his emotions. Just a few minutes… or an eternity. 

He shakes his head again and hopes it’s enough, but deep down, he knows his boyfriend won’t give up until he gets something from him. 

He needs a distraction.

“I’m fine… I can’t sleep, and you have a shift tomorrow, so go to bed, I’ll join you in a few.” 

He is doing a poor job of faking it, but is the best he got.

Eddie closes his eyes so Buck won’t see the tears threatening there.

“You don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want. I wish you would, I want you to know I’m here for you. But you have to talk to  _ someone. _ ” Eddie opened his eyes but Buck was still not looking at him. 

**¿Cómo ganarse el cielo/Cuando uno ama con toda el alma?**

Buck rolls his eyes at that. He is so tired of the “you need to talk to someone shit.” As if that had helped him in the past. As if a therapist would erase all his past, the things he has done, and the things people have done to him. So many bodies, without faces and names. So many nights doing indescribable things that most people would see as unacceptable. 

He is tired, so very tired. 

Why is Eddie still here, at his side, full of tolerance and understanding? He doesn’t deserve those things from Eddie, but he takes it, as he takes everything he can from every person he knows, just because he can.

He needs Eddie to step away, to get away and save himself and Christopher from him. 

But Eddie is still there, and suddenly Buck is done. Why is he still there? He doesn’t even want him, not really, if he can go on for months without fucking. That is what everybody wants from Buck, Eddie can’t be that different. If he doesn’t want to fuck him, then what it is?

“Last time I went to my therapist I fucked her… But then, perhaps I should go then, so I could get some.”

He whispers, full of venom, aimed to hurt.

**_Es mejor perderse que nunca embarcar/Mejor tentarse a dejar de intentar/Aunque ya ves que no es tan fácil empezar_ **

Eddie just stares at him, mouth gaping, for a moment. Then he scrubs a hand over his face.  _ Shit, I fucked it up again.  _

“Is that what this is about, Evan? That we haven’t had sex yet?”

He tries to catch Buck’s eyes but Buck is avoiding his gaze.

“I’m sorry, I really am,” he pleads. “I thought you needed more time. I don’t want to rush it, you’re too important to me.” How did he manage to fuck this up again? How has he not conveyed just how much he wants Buck?*

Logically, Buck knows Eddie is being honest, brutally honest. But every time he looks up, he can see his own reflection, and he just hates it so much. It’s like all his past mistakes are looking back at him with so much disdain… And the worst part is that he has to remind himself, constantly, why he can’t go back to be that person, and he is so afraid that he will give up at some point, that he won’t be strong enough, and he will end up hurting Eddie, making him into another faceless body. And that, that can’t happen. Eddie and Christopher are the only things that matter, he...

“I’m not important… I shouldn’t be important,” he whispers, allowing the tears to fall.

“God, Evan. You and Chris are the most important people in my life. It’s not a matter of  _ should _ . You just  _ are. _ You  _ are. _ Come here, please? Let me hold you?” He held out his arms once more.

He shouldn’t, he knows he shouldn’t, but God help him, Buck needs Eddie’s presence around him, in him, in any way he can get it and he is too tired to keep fighting his own wishes. So he nods and just allows himself to be held.

Eddie kisses his temple, letting his lips rest there for a moment. “I love you, mi vida. I love you.”

**_Sé que lo imposible se puede lograr/Que la tristeza algún día se irá/Y así será la vida cambia y cambiará_ **

Buck wakes up to a pair of arms around him, far too skinny compared to the ones he is used to. There is also some hair tickling his nose and an almost content giggle, that instantly makes him smile. Last night was hard, but there is absolutely nothing that was able to take away the happiness that came along with Christopher, not even in his darkest day. 

“Wow Eddie, when did you become so small?” The comment earns him a full laugh and he can’t pretend to be asleep any longer, digging right to tickle the kid until they are both breathless. Buck feels himself relax in bed, enjoying the easy air that gets into his lungs as he holds the boy close to his chest, right over his heart. 

“Daddy is making breakfast!” 

The mention of his boyfriend makes his smile flatten slightly, but not enough to wipe it away. “Really? I’m starving”

“Well, you have to hurry then, before I go back there and eat it all by myself.” Eddie’s voice appears in the room and it’s the first time the blonde notices that he is being at the door, for God knows how long. Before Buck can say something, Christopher is already moving out of the bed and to the kitchen, under the smiling gaze of both adults. Someone was really hungry, it would seem. 

It’s just the two of them now and he knows he has to say something, that last night can’t just go unmentioned. Buck wants everything out of their relationship, wants it to last forever, but knows it won’t if they don’t move forward. 

“I’m sorry, about last night.” 

Eddie is quick in shaking his head, coming closer until he is seated on the bed. “You don’t have anything to be sorry about. You did nothing wrong.” 

The younger man knows it’s a lie, that he had been hurtful and mean, but he doesn’t have it in him to fight again. He just wants them to be okay and happy with each other, because  _ fuck _ , Buck loves him too much to not put everything he has in this. It’s horrible to think that this is exactly why the lawsuit happened, just because of this fear of losing the most important thing in his life. 

He can’t do this again. No one would survive it. 

“You told me I had to to talk to someone, remember? The day Christoper called you on the phone.” Eddie says.

Of course he remembers, there is no detail about that night that is not burned in his mind. 

“It’s your turn now. For me and Christopher but above all, for you, mi amor.” 

It’s a low blow, with the nickname and Christopher and Eddie’s soft brown eyes, but Buck knows Eddie is using all his weapons. He really can’t blame him, mostly because he knows how it feels to be on his side. Still, he can’t help but look at him, unsure, not exactly promising anything. His boyfriend extends his hand and it’s almost funny how fast Buck reaches for it, like he is afraid they will disappear. It’s worth the little smile playing in the other’s lips before he speaks. 

“We have the rest of our lives to be with each other. There is no rush for anything”

It’s impossible to look into Eddie’s eyes and not believe him. 

Buck can't help but look up to some part of the ceiling, feeling his cheeks blush slightly. "I'm ready, you know." Before Eddie can process what he had just said, he continues. "Not like, right this second but when it happens, I'm ready."

**Habías sido sin dudarlo la más bella/de entre todas las estrellas que yo ví en el firmamento**

It was hard to find a therapist. Harder than he thought it should be. He couldn’t go to Frank, Eddie and Maddie were already his patients, it wouldn’t be right, and it would be weird, too weird.

He was afraid. He didn’t want history repeating itself. So he sought a therapist that wouldn’t be a temptation, because although these days he felt tempted by one single person, in the past his bar has been low, very low.

So his therapist was a married, mild-aged man with an office filled with pictures of his wife and his three children. 

Not that he was planning on doing anything, he just didn’t trust himself.

It was his third session. The first days had been uneventful, he didn’t want to be there, and he wasn’t in the mood for sharing. So he had spoken about some stuff, like some bad call with a tragic ending that didn’t affect him anymore.

But today… today he needed to speak. He has lashed out at some random guy when they were on a call And it’s not like the guy didn’t deserve it, but Eddie’s face and the sad look in his eyes had been enough as a reason to get him to talk.

“I think I’m a sex addict,” he says as a form of salute, and his therapist, Spencer, grabs the pen and the notebook but doesn’t write anything down.

“What makes you say that?”

“I used to have a lot of sex.”

“What is a lot?”

“Like a lot… Like a couple of months ago I went to work away, and I had… sex with more than one person at night, almost every night.”

“Okay… And when you don’t have it, how do you feel?”

“What do you mean? Normal, I guess… Unless something is happening.”

“Could you elaborate on that?”

“Well, if I feel sad about something and I can’t have sex, then I feel sad?” It sounds so silly when he puts it into words, he feels stupid, but he feels like that most of the time though.

“So, in that case, you don’t feel sad because you can’t have sex, correct?”

“I guess?”

“Would you say that in that case, you want to have sex because you feel sad.”

“Yeah” 

“Then, why do you think you wanted to have sex when you went away?”

Buck thinks about it. Really thinks. It’s an exercise he hasn’t dared to do until now, too afraid of the answers he might find. Yet he knows he has to do it, if for no other reason, for Eddie and their relationship. They can’t be happy together if they aren’t on their own.

“I don’t know… I think, I did it because I was alone, and sad, and it was something to do to forget.”

“And how do you felt afterwards? Did you stopped being sad.”

“No, I still felt sad… I didn’t felt ashamed if that is what you think.”

“Okay… Why do you think that is what I think?”

“Well, that… That doesn’t make any sense, I don’t understand.”

“Really?... Allow me to rephrase it. Why do you believe I think you felt ashamed after having sex?”

Buck looks at his therapist a little bit desperate. He feels stupid, he shouldn’t have said the last bit, now he was getting the questions he didn’t want to answer. 

He closes his eyes and tries to picture Eddie, his sweet, caring boyfriend who has been nothing if not patient with Buck and his fucked up psyche. He deserves Buck being honest and trying to get better.

“Because that is what everybody else thinks, that I should be ashamed.”

“Why do you think is that?”

“Because of politics, religion and all that crap… It’s the society we live in....”

“And you don’t agree?”

“Why would I agree? It’s a load of shit. Get married, have kids that can get married and have kids who will get married and have kids and so on…”

“Don’t you want that? To get married and have kids”

“Well, yes, I do, that is why I’m here… But there is nothing wrong in having some fun along the way.”

“Then, if you don’t feel ashamed and you don’t see anything wrong in having some fun along the way, why are you here?”

Buck sighs, he doubts he will be able to put into words all the turmoil he is feeling, has been feeling for a while. How he feels dirty when he is with Eddie, because his boyfriend is pure in a way that Buck never has been. So, perhaps, he does feel ashamed, but not for the reasons people tell him he should.

He shrugs, helpless, and kind of hates himself for the things he is about to say. He is well aware it’s unfair to think like that about his boyfriend, which is why he is doing this, he reminds himself.

“I have a boyfriend,” he says, unsure of himself, “and I guess I want all those things, to get married and have kids… more kids… But I don’t know how to be with him…”

“Care to explain?”

“Well, I have never… I have, but it wasn’t the same…” Buck hopes the therapist can fill the gap and guess what he is trying to say, but if he does, he is not showing it on his face, which has remained neutral the whole time. “I have never had a serious relationship.”

Once again the therapist waits patiently for Buck to keep going, but this time the blonde man allows the silence to grow longer, just to push the boundaries.

“You mean with a man or in general?”

Buck debates with himself, he has had two relationships that were in some way or form, serious, Abby and Ali. He had tried, with both of them, although he never was in love with Ali. And he did love Abby, it just wasn’t the same as it was with Eddie. So why were they different? Was it because Eddie was a man? Buck hoped it was something else, but he couldn’t be sure. So he told the therapist, who just kept writing in his notebook humming and nodding along the way. 

It was unnerving.

“Why do you think is different with Eddie?”

“I just told you, I don’t know.”

“Okay, let’s work through it,” he says with a nod leaving the fucking notebook at his side. “Don’t you think Eddie is different because you were best friends before that?”

“It’s possible.”

“And he has a kid.”

“Christopher.”

“Which adds some…”

Buck cuts the guy off, he doesn’t know what he is going to say, but he is already thinking the worst, he always does.

“I adore Christopher, okay, he doesn’t add anything… Besides fun… And I love him like a son, okay, and that was before I got with Eddie, my feelings for Eddie and my feelings for Christopher are two different things.”

“How so?” 

“Because I already did a lot of things before I got with Eddie okay? I took care of him, I pick him up at school a few times, help him with his homework, and the nightmares after the tsunami…”

“The tsunami?”

“We were both in the pier that day…” Buck groans. The clock is ticking, and he has so many issues, and he knows he will have to speak about the tsunami, but not now, now he needs to speak about Eddie and his feelings for the man. “Look man, I know we’ll have to talk about the tsunami, but can we go back to the sex adiction thing, because it’s really starting to affect my relationship with Eddie.”

“Okay, we can go back to the tsunami another day… Now, about your supossed sex addiction… You aren’t a sex addict Buck.”

“Am I not?”

“A sex addict, wouldn’t be able to stop having sex so easily.”

“Oh, believe me, it hasn’t been easy.”

“You said a couple of months?”

“More or less.”

“Okay, the fact is that you have gone on without sex. Have you done other things?”

“We kiss a lot and make out.”

“Nothing else?”

“Nope”

“And how do you feel about it?”

“Well, me being here should answer that.”

“Right, whose idea was to wait?”

“Mine, which I regret… But now, Eddie has this idea that I need therapy and be ready to have sex, although I’m ready.”

“But at some point, you weren’t, why?”

“I don’t know, I was afraid… I was afraid of hurting Eddie.” The therapist just looks at him, silently asking him to keep going on, but Buck needs a couple of minutes to breathe in and breathe out, calm himself and think about what he wants to say. 

Suddenly, something snaps within him, he needs to say it and put the words out there, he can’t keep it bottled it up anymore, it hurts too much, and worse, it’s hurting Eddie.

“Eddie is so pure… Like, he has only been with three people plus me, and every time he has been with someone he has been in love… And me… Well, I lost track a long time ago… He is just so bright and pure, and I… lately… I just feel like there is a dark cloud around me, like a mark, and I don’t want to infect Eddie and kill his light.”

“And how do you think that could happen?” the therapist asks after seemingly rumming about it and taking some short notes.

“I don’t know” he lies, in a very transparent way judging by the way his therapist looks at him. Buck huffs and starts. “By having sex?” he murmurs after a couple of minutes that seemed an eternity. The other man just nods and invites him to keep going with a gesture of his hand. “We’ve been doing other things, like kissing and making out, but I just… I don’t know, it’s weird to do those things and not finish with sex, but I’m afraid if I keep it going then I would do something that would make it like those other times… And I just, I don’t want that for Eddie, he is so much more, I want him to know he is more, so that is why I want to wait… But then I get so frustrated because waiting is hard, I want more, I want to show Eddie how much I love him, but I don’t know how to do that without having sex… A few days ago, I told him I am ready, but I’m not sure if that is true, and… How can I know? What if we have sex and I do something…”

He is rambling, he is fully aware of it, but he can’t stop. It’s like the gates had opened and a tsunami of thoughts and feelings are coming out and he is drowning all over again. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, and he’d love to have Eddie at his side, he needs him to ground him, he is his rock after all.

A tissue shows up in his camp of vision, it’s not Eddie, but the therapist’s presence is weirdly calming, probably because he is there, showing him he cares.

They stay like that for a little while, until Buck starts to relax, and an uncomfortable silence falls upon them. He really hopes the other man would speak first, because Buck is spent, he needs to get out and sleep for a couple of hours, or a week.

“Better?” the therapist asks, and Buck is flabbergasted when he realizes he did, in fact, felt better.

“Yeah…”

“Sometimes we just need to let things go and cry.”

“Yeah…”

“But Buck, that doesn’t mean that is all you need.”

“I know.”

“You have done a fantastic job today, and you are on the right path. But you need to keep working.”

“I guess.”

“I want you to do some homework, would you do that?”

“Homework, what kind of homework? You mean, like google or something…”

“Oh no, that is not what I mean… I mean to work on yourself… First of all, I want you to make a list. Every day, you need to put something you love about yourself in that list. One single thing, it can be something about your physique, about your personality, something you’ve done… But it has to be something you truly love. If you can’t find anything, you leave it and we’ll talk about it in the next session. Is that something you could do?”

To Buck, it sounds stupid, something that the man has just made out in the spot. But he knows he has to try, he keeps repeating that to himself because he needs to believe it.

“Okay, I’ll try.”

“And regarding sex, if you aren’t sure about being ready, then, you probably aren’t. But you can try doing something more…”

“You mean like masturbation, blow-jobs…?”

“Yeah, that is what I mean. It’s important you remember it’s your choice, and you can have intimacy without having sex, and from what you’ve told me, your partner doesn’t mind the waiting.”

“No, he doesn’t.”

It’s then that Buck remembers his doubts about Eddie’s feelings, how inadequate makes him, how on his worst days, when he finds himself deep in a dark mood, he thinks that Eddie being able to wait means he doesn’t want him. But his therapist is right, they have done enough for one day, they have plenty of time to talk about everything swirling in Buck’s mind.

Plenty of time to heal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation  
> * El lado óscuro: The dark side (Buck)  
> Puede que hayas/Nacido en la cara buena del mundo/Yo nací en la cara mala/Llevo la marca del lado oscuro = Perhaps you have been born in the good side of the world/I was born in the wicked side/I wear the the mark of the dark side  
> Y que me dejes o te deje/Eso ya no me da miedo = and leaving me or leaving you doesn't scare me anymore  
> ¿Cómo ganarse el cielo/Cuando uno ama con toda el alma? = how to earn Heaven when you love with your whole soul  
> Habías sido sin dudarlo la más bella/de entre todas las estrellas que yo ví en el firmamento = you were without doubt the most beautiful star among every star I saw in the sky  
> *Color Esperanza = Hope Color (Eddie)  
> Pintarse la cara color esperanza/tentar al futuro con el corazón = Paint your face "hope color"/tempt the future with your heart.  
> Sé que hay en tus ojos con solo mirar/Que estas cansado de andar y de andar/Y caminar girando siempre en un lugar = I know what it’s in your eyes just one look/that you’re tired of walking and walking and always spinning around in one place.  
> Es mejor perderse que nunca embarcar/Mejor tentarse a dejar de intentar/Aunque ya ves que no es tan fácil empezar = it's better to get lost that never sail/better to challenge yourself that stop trying/even though you see it's not so easy to start


	9. Contigo.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck and Eddie finally have some alone time, and things heat up. Smut warning for this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter by [Whis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whis/pseuds/Whis), [nilshki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nilshki/pseuds/nilshki), and [diazevan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/diazevan/pseuds/diazevan).  
> Chapter Title is Contigo by Luis Miguel.  
> [Song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFslXz6z5Is)  
> Translations in the endnotes.

**_Veo el sol que llena toda mi ventana/Y no quiero despertarte aún._ **

Buck watches, enthralled by the way that the sunlight plays on his lover’s skin, hiding and showing the bare surface of his naked body. 

His boyfriend moves, getting close to him with a moan. Buck smiles to himself and wonders what he is dreaming about. Eddie moves and lets a whimper escape, and Buck is worried he might be having a nightmare until he moves his hips in a way that can’t be mistaken.

“Buck,” the brunette whispers, almost begs, and Buck wants nothing more than give him what he wants, it’s what he has always wanted. But he’s frozen, too mesmerized by the way that Eddie keeps moving and moaning, so beautiful and needy.

**_Me gusta contemplar tu denudez._ **

_Lips brushed his neck and teeth scraped his skin. Buck was crouched over his body, and he seemed determined to leave a mark where everyone would see it. It made Eddie hotter than he thought it would._

_Buck’s mouth trailed down his collarbone, along his chest, nipping and sucking at his abs. Eddie panted, wanting more. Needing more. Buck moved lower and lower until-_

Eddie wakes with a start.

He feels Buck mumble and shift behind him, still half asleep or so he believed. Eddie, though, is wide awake. _That dream._ He’s has more and more of them the longer he and Buck have been together without having sex, but this was by far the most vivid one. 

Buck shifts again, wrapping an arm around Eddie, and Eddie feels like he’s going to jump out of his skin. But it feels too good for him to move.

Buck is starting to stir behind him, so Eddie tries to will his dick down. He is so aroused and the way that Buck moving behind him isn’t helping at all.

“Mmmmhhh, good morning there,” Buck says with a husky voice, heavy with sleep and something else.

“Morning,” Eddie groans, feeling stupid. This should be easier. He isn’t a teenager, nor a virgin.

Buck’s hand brushes an exposed strip of skin on his stomach and Eddie _gasps_.

Buck chuckles and buries his face in Eddie’s neck, pressing soft kisses there. His hand drifts a bit lower, towards the waist of Eddie’s sweatpants, and Eddie can feel the smirk against his neck. He sucks in a sharp breath as his abdomen tightens and his cock throbs. Buck trails his fingers lightly along Eddie’s hipbone and the crease of his pelvis and Eddie moans.

“God Eddie, I want you so much…” he whispers tracing patterns on skin above Eddie’s pants hem with one hand, and playing with the cord absentmindedly. The touch is light, a promise to come, and Eddie wants more, he needs more. 

“Buck…”

“I’m ready Eddie… Are you?”

Of course Eddie is ready, he has been ready for so long, he has wanted Buck for so long he can barely remember a time when his life wasn’t dominated by the lust and desire.

He turns to face Buck, looking into those blue eyes, now almost black with pupils blown wide.

“God, I am so ready.” He leans over to kiss Buck, his hand coming up to Buck’s cheek as he presses their lips together.

They kiss for a while, hands roaming up and down each other, getting closer and closer, and more desperate with every touch, every kiss, every bite… 

It’s lazy and comfortable for a short period of time, until the need for more starts to take over their bodies.

**_Estar contigo/Es tomarte de la mano sin palabras._ **

With a guttural groan and a movement that takes Eddie by surprise, Buck switches their bodies so now he is above Eddie.

Buck straddles Eddie and takes his face in his hands, kissing him deeply. He moves his mouth to Eddie’s jaw, biting gently, and whispers, “is this okay?”

Eddie nods vigorously and grips Buck’s hips. “Keep going,” he manages.

Buck sits up for a second to rid himself of his shirt, then leans back over Eddie and attacks his collarbone, licking the skin at the edge of the collar of his t-shirt. “This shirt needs to come off,” Eddie breaths as his hands roam Buck’s back, feeling the muscles there move as Buck did.

Buck smirks and lightly trails his hands down Eddie’s chest until he reaches the hem of his shirt. Eddie lifts off the bed slightly as Buck tugs the shirt up and over his head, before laying back with Buck on top of him, finally skin to skin.

Buck’s gaze is devious, looking at him with a glint in his eyes that sends shivers down his spine.

His hands draw a pattern on the skin of his stomach, following the form of his abs, the line that gets lost inside his pants, but it never goes further, lower, teasing a promise of things to come. At least, Eddie hopes so.

He doesn’t have to wait much longer. By now he is hard and his pants are doing a poor job concealing the fact. 

“Buck, please,” he breathes. 

“Yes?”

Eddie can hear the smugness in that single syllable. He is about to say more but suddenly Buck’s hands are drifting lower, under his waistband, until finally, finally, they reach his cock. Oh god, Eddie could come just from that. He’s been dreaming about Buck touching him for ages and now it’s real.

Buck lightly strokes his thumb over the head of Eddie dick, and slowly wraps the rest of his hand around the shaft in a firm grip. Eddie moans and his hips jerk off the bed. 

“Buck, Buck, wait,” he pants. 

“What’s wrong?” Buck is immediately concerned and takes his hand away. Eddie whines at the loss of contact. “No it’s just...felt so good. I want to make you feel good too.”

Buck smiles down at him and it takes Eddie’s breath away with the force of its beauty. 

“This _is_ good for me, Eds. Let me touch you?”

Eddie nods and Buck resumes his motions, starting to run his hand along Eddie’s cock, still inside his pants. 

Buck leans to whisper in Eddie’s ear. “I want to see you. Take off your pants.”

Eddie hurries to comply, quickly pushing down his sweats and kicking them off the bed. Buck only stops touching him long enough for him to get the pants over his hips, and Eddie is on the edge. 

“Buck, this is going to be over before it starts if you keep that up.”

“Mmm I could just jerk you off, I’m okay with that,” says Buck as he keeps going. Eddie moans. 

“Evan, please, I want you.”

Buck kisses him. “You have me, all of me.”

Eddie grabs Buck by the neck and starts to lick and nip at the skin where his pulse beats, wanting to show Buck just how much he’s enjoying what Buck is doing.

“Oh man, Eddie, that’s good,” Buck says, his voice strangled. 

“Mmmm, yeah, you like that?” Eddie asks. He gets bolder, sitting up a little to get a better angle and reaching for the waist of Buck’s pants, wanting to get his hands on him too.

“Oh yeah, I love that,” Buck pants in Eddie’s ear. His neck has always been his weakest spot, and Eddie already knows that, he found out in their first make out session. “I love you so much,” he whispers before kissing Eddie fiercely. That is the moment when he realizes this time, kisses on neck and jerking off wont cut it, not really. Obviously, he would wait if that was what Eddie wanted, but he was ready, finally ready in a way he hasn’t felt since he got back. Without even realizing what he is doing, he makes another abrupt movement that leaves Eddie breathless under him. And shit, the way Eddie’s eyes darken every time he takes the lead is so hot. “God, Eddie, I want you so much.”

The brunette can only answer with some kind of sound that goes directly to Buck’s dick. Eddie too worked up, too on edge, to say anything. 

“I want to fuck you,” Buck says, surprising himself with how true that statement is. He was expecting to bottom for Eddie, he has a lot of fantasies about it, how it would be.

“Do you?”

**_Nuestro amor también existe en el silencio/Lo sentimos al mirarnos tú y yo._ **

“Is that okay? Is that something you want?” Buck asks, hesitant.

Eddie nods. “I want this to be good for you.”

Buck looks at him strangely. “Eddie, I don’t know how this could _not_ be good for me. Why are you so worried about that?” It was a bit strange, and Buck starts to worry that maybe Eddie is only doing this for him.

“Eddie, you want this, right?”

Eddie sits up and takes Buck’s face in his hands. “Evan, I love you, and I’ve been literally dreaming about being with you like this for months. But I’ve only been with a few people, and only one guy. I’m worried…that I won’t be enough for you. That this is going to be amazing for me because you know what you’re doing and I won’t be able to do anything for you.”

Buck smiles softly. “Eddie. Eddie. It’ll be amazing because it’s _you_. You and me. I promise, I’ll tell you when I feel good. Judging by my reaction when all you do is kiss my neck, it’s not going to take much.” Eddie smirks at that, and Buck breathes a sigh of relief. There was his Eddie. It breaks his heart a little bit, that Eddie would be so worried about things like that, but now it just makes him want to show him how good this is for him. If something is going to come out of tonight, Buck thinks it has to be the realization, for both of them, that they were always meant to fit perfectly with each other, in every way. 

“Yeah Buck. I want you to fuck me. I want that a lot.” Eddie’s heart beats fast and he smiles at the stunned look on Buck’s face, like he didn’t really believe Eddie would want that. 

“Turn over.” Buck responds once he gets some resemblance of control back. Eddie fumbles blindly to abide by his request. He’s so ready for this. He never wanted this so much as he wanted it with Buck. Control has always been his thing, why he always held his emotions so close, why he got into the fighting, why he messed up so many other things. But with Buck, he doesn’t need it. Giving it up usually scares the life out of him, but here, now? He’ll do whatever Buck wants him to do, and he’ll enjoy it. He’ll love it, just because it’s him. With that admission, it’s easy to feel excited for what is to come and Eddie can’t help but relax against the bed, waiting. 

Buck shivers. Eddie looks so edible, spread wide open on his stomach, waiting for Buck to do whatever he wants to do to him. Eddie is making himself vulnerable, to him, for him, and the younger man knows how difficult is for his boyfriend to do so. Buck is well aware of that being vulnerable terrifies Eddie. And Buck thinks this is one of the most precious gifts that Eddie has ever given to him, second only to the day he trusted him with Christoper’s life and love after the tsunami. 

Eddie shudders as he feels Buck’s hands on him. He knows that Buck is still unsure, that he still worries about hurting Eddie. “I trust you, Evan.” He needs to make sure Buck knows. 

The blonde man doesn’t have words to express how much he loves the other man, how unbelievably grateful he is for everything that Eddie is giving to him.

No. Eddie has surrendered himself to Buck, without questions and doubts, he has put everything on the line for him.

And Buck… He doesn’t deserve the gift, but he will take it because it’s everything he has ever wanted. And he can only give himself in return, even though it’s not the same, it seems to him he is the one getting everything from the exchange while Eddie will only receive… well… Buck, stained and dark, full of baggage and issues he hides behind his smiles and childish attitude. But he will give it anyway, because it’s all he has and it’s all Eddie seems to ask of him. And now, after everything, Buck knows that they are working towards something better, that _he is_. Eddie is giving him every part of his heart and his soul and fuck, Buck wants nothing more in this world to keep proving that he deserves it every day of his life. For their family, for everything that they have built.

It’s easy to move forward from that, with that reminder in the back of his head. One look at Eddie tells him that his line of thought is going in the same direction. There is no way anything can go wrong, not if they have so much between them, so much love, so much _lust_. This was just a long time coming, and now? They just have to keep going with the program. 

_Over_ , and _over_ again. 

**_Estar contigo/Es llenar cada minuto con mis besos/Es vestir mis sentimientos de deseos/Es amarte día a día más y más._ **

Much later, when neither of them has the energy to even try to do anything else, Eddie doesn’t understand why they hadn’t done this before. Not when they first started dating, but way before, probably in the second they saw each other in the station because really, they have been missing out big time. His brain must not be functioning correctly yet, or his mouth, if Buck’s cheeky laugh beside him is any indication. 

“You are thinking out loud, but man, can’t say I don’t agree with you.” He looks so relaxed laying beside him, with his arm under his head, that Eddie’s chest swells with pride from knowing that he did that. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that makes Buck look better than happiness. “Still, think we just made up for a lot of lost time, if you ask me.” If the other man laughs once more, Eddie is really going to go into cardiac arrest, it’s completely possible. 

When Buck offers his hand, Eddie takes it without question, bringing it to his lips. “Thank you for this,” He whispers. It’s easy to recognize the emotion on his own voice and his eyes have probably softened, like Buck’s had just done. “For everything.” 

The younger man moves forward, to the already open arms of his lover and it’s Eddie’s turn to laugh when Buck cuddles into him completely, and he presses his cheek against Buck’s head. “Thank _you_ , buddy,” Buck quips. 

“Buddy? Really? You literally just had your dick in my ass just like, three seconds ago. One would think…”

“Man, _shut up_ ” 

**_Contigo/Ya la noche va cubriendo nuestros cuerpos/Aún estamos piel con piel, unidos/_ ** **_Y así siempre estaré, contigo._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Veo el sol que llena toda mi ventana/y no quiero despertarte aún. - I see the sun filling all my window/and I don’t want to wake you up yet.
> 
> Me gusta contemplar tu denudez. - I like to watch your nakedness.
> 
> Estar contigo/es tomarte de la mano sin palabras. - To be with you/is to hold your hand without words.
> 
> Nuestro amor también existe en el silencio/lo sentimos al mirarnos tú y yo. - Our love exists in the silence too/We feel it when we look at each other.
> 
> Estar contigo/Es llenar cada minuto con mis besos/Es vestir mis sentimientos de deseos/Es amarte día a día más y más. - To be with you/is to fill every minute with my kisses/is to dress up my feelings in desire/is to love you day to day more and more.
> 
> Contigo/ya la noche va cubriendo nuestros cuerpos/aún estamos piel con piel, unidos/y así siempre estaré, contigo. - With you/already the night is covering our bodies/we are still skin to skin, bonded/and I will always be with you like this.


	10. Torero.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The moment we've all been waiting for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter by [Whis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whis/pseuds/Whis), [nilshki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nilshki/pseuds/nilshki), and [diazevan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/diazevan/pseuds/diazevan).  
> Chapter Title is Torero by Chayanne.  
> [Song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuZzuQvv7uc)  
> Watch the video, it was our inspiration for basically the whole idea to write this fic.  
> Translations in the endnotes.

**_De lunes a domingo/voy desesperado._ **

He’s gonna ask Buck to marry him.

He’s not sure when exactly he has this realization. It seems like he’s always known, at least as long as he’s known he loves Buck, that one day he’d want to marry him. He didn’t always believe they’d get to this place, but he always wanted it.

And now he could have it. Now they were in a good place. Their relationship was solid, they’d worked through the major issues. They fought, like every couple does, but they actually talked to each other, made sure the other knew their thoughts and feelings. Eddie doesn’t think he’s ever had such a healthy romantic relationship before.

So he’s going to propose.

The only problem is that, well, how do you top getting together with a big sign falling from a building? It’s a legit concern that keeps him awake at night.

And he knows that Buck would still be delighted if he asked him on their couch, or on the way home, or when he is brushing his teeth before going to bed. He knows that, but after everything, Eddie is a firm believer that his boyfriend deserves good things. His favorite memory in the world was his smile that day in the rooftop, that mixture of surprise and complete joy, and he would do whatever it was necessary to have it again.

It’s a little fun too, to have something that nobody knows about it.

Eddie is not ashamed he is even dreaming about their wedding, mostly because if you are with Evan Buckley, it’s obvious you are going to want to keep him even in your dreams. His mind supplies him with different scenarios and then it’s not only at night, because he gets a bit lost inside his head on his free moments, imagining how good they would both look wearing white and saying their vows in front of the ocean. When his eyes move to a wedding magazine when he is buying the newspaper, Eddie knows he needs to propose _soon_ or he will go out of his mind, for real.

He goes first to Christopher because that’s just how things are.

“Hey buddy.” His beautiful son is starting to look less like a kid and more like something else, but Eddie is happy that he is still the sweetest and most caring creature in the entire world. “Come sit with your old man for a second.” It earns him a roll of eyes, but a happy smile too so it’s a clear win.

“What’s up, Dad?” There is an easiness on his shoulder that indicates Christopher is relaxed and it’s probably about the fact that, if he was in trouble or something was wrong, they wouldn’t be talking about it without Buck. They have family meetings now, something Buck had read on a parenting blog, and the boy knows that anything important must be talked and discussed between the three of them. 

Christopher settles on the couch beside him, just in time for Eddie to put an arm around him and bring him against his side. “You know I love you, right?” It earns him a giggle and a nod and it’s a little bit weird to be this nervous. “And how I love Buck too? How we both do?” 

“Yeah. Dad, you are being really weird right now…”

“I know, I know” He squeeze his son a bit with his arm, before taking out the ring he bought a couple days ago. It’s simple, just a silver band but he would be lying if he said it was an easy decision. There were so many. “I plan to give this to Buck.”

It’s adorable to see everything that happens in his son’s face. They had seen enough movies for him to know what this means and there is an absolute delight in his eyes when he looks at the ring like it’s the most amazing thing in the world. Eddie understands, because he feels exactly the same way. “You are going to marry Buck!”

Eddie smiles. “If he says yes, buddy.”

Chris scoffs like it’s the most silly thing he has ever said. “He’ll say yes, he loves you. Loves us. He’s already our family, Daddy.” And there is a tone of certainty in Christopher’s voice that makes Eddie’s chest tight because this is it, this is their family. The fact that his son is so sure and feels so loved in their home is more than he, or any other parent, could ever wish for. “Do you think he’ll adopt me when you guys are married?”

The question caughts him completely off guard, but it’s a good feeling for once. Just like Christpher is sure about Buck agreeing to marry him, Eddie has absolutely no doubt in his mind that his boyfriend is going to cry for three days straight when the adoption subject is brought up to him. Honestly, he _can’t wait_. And that gives Eddie another idea for the proposal. 

“Well buddy, I guess you have something to ask too.” 

**_El corazón prendido/allí en el calendario._ **

The idea comes to him in the most stupid possible way, and later on, he wonders how could it take him so long.

One of the biggest surprises of his life was that Buck knows Spanish. He understands it easily, and he also can speak a few words that he mostly keeps behind the door of their room, to the point that Buck uses it to get under Eddie’s skin, who didn’t know he had those kinds of kinks.

Buck also loves Spanish music. Apparently, it reminds him of his time in South America and all the people he met there. 

One day, Eddie let’s himself in Buck’s house, as he had done thousands of times previously. He is silent, as usual, so he is used to take his boyfriend by surprise, finding Buck doing all kinds of things. Singing and dancing while while wearing an apron, and nothing under it, it’s hardly new. The song, Torero by Chayanne, is one of Buck’s favorites, and although Buck is not a good dancer - he’s too tall, with too long legs and little shame - he is good enough to get Eddie’s dick interested.

Buck turns, smiles when he sees Eddie, and sings, _“Torero, poner el alma en el ruedo, no importa lo que se venga pa' que sepas que te quiero, como un buen torero, me juego la vida por tí._ ”

Eddie growls and yanks Buck to him, kissing him until neither of them remember how they started this. Somehow they’ve made it up the stairs and Eddie’s shirt is off, and he’s reaching around Buck’s waist to undo the apron, and he whispers, “you knew exactly what you were doing, didn’t you, mi amor?” Buck just smirks. 

It’s later on, when they are in bed, Buck sleeping in his arms, satiated and exhausted, that Eddie’s mind starts to wander to strange places. He thinks about Buck and marrying him, the sooner the better, and starts to fantasize about their wedding, dancing surrounded by their entire family. For some reason, his mind goes back to Buck’s messy dance in the kitchen and the joy on his face, it’s there every time that song or something similar sounds, and how he loves to see that expression on the man he loves so dearly. Then he remembers the video, romantic and sappy as that kind of music usually is, and the idea clicks…

It’s perfect.

**_No importa lo que se venga/pa' que sepas que te quiero._ **

It’s days later when Buck is driving along the streets of LA, whistling along to the radio. He has to pick Christopher up from school, but it’s not a chore to him. He loves the time he gets to spend with the little guy, talking about anything and everything that comes into their heads. He knows that when Chris gets a little older he won’t want to hang out as much, so Buck is going to grab these moments where he can. 

As he pulls into the parking lot, some guy on a motorcycle cuts him off. He stops and honks, annoyed that someone would do that in a school parking lot. Then the guys stops in front of him, facing him, and takes off his helmet.

It’s Eddie. 

Buck just stares in shock, for a second. Eddie looks... _hot_. With his leather jacket and his beard and his hair slicked back a bit and sunglasses shading his eyes...wow. There is a couple of seconds when his mind simply decides that this is too much for him, that this is it. Who knew that after a bomb and a tsunami, Eddie Diaz would end up being the death of him? Probably everyone, is not that surprising to be honest. 

When Buck gets out of the car, Eddie is still straddling the bike, grinning, like the jerk he is. 

“Eddie, what’s going on? Aren’t you working today…”

And then the music starts. He has no idea where it comes from. Are there speakers on the buildings? What in the world?

_“De lunes a domingo, voy desesperado, el corazón prendido, allí en el calendario.”_

Eddie whips off his sunglasses and somehow that’s the hottest thing Buck’s ever seen. Really, it should be illegal that he can go around the world doing those sort of things; it’s a miracle he hasn’t cause a car crash by now. And then Eddie starts dancing, and it takes Buck’s breath away. Maybe he is already dead, that would certainly explain the music out of nowhere. Speaking of, he knows this song. He sings this song all the time. But he’s never...he’s never seen Eddie dance to it. Not like _this._

_“Me viste así de frente, que tremendo impacto, para unirme a tu mirada, dime si hay que ser.”_

And suddenly there are more people coming from behind Buck, he turns around and around in surprise as people join Eddie dancing. First Christopher. Then Hen and Chim, and Karen and Maddie. Bobby, Athena. Michael, May, Harry. Even Abuela and Pepa are here, though they aren’t following the choreography. 

_“Torero, poner el alma en el ruedo…”_

He recognizes this choreography. He can’t believe...Eddie had to have watched the music video a thousand times to get it like this. Plus make up new steps to fit for every part of the song...Buck’s in awe. 

And then more people show up, kids and adults. It takes Buck a moment to recognize Christoper’s classmates and their parents, as well as the teachers. They all dance, following Eddie’s steps with more or less luck, but Buck doesn’t care, he is too dumbfounded to even think. He feels warm, all over, and he knows he must be redder than he has ever been, nobody has ever done anything like this for him, and it makes him feel special and loved. Not just Eddie and Christopher, everybody is there, everybody had to take time out of their lives to learn the dance, and they so did not only for him, but for Eddie and Christopher, for his family.

Eddie gets closer, with his eyes are focused on Buck with accuracy, and he sings the next part, Buck’s favorite lines that announce the song is ending… _“De noviembre hasta enero sé que te necesito, Ay de junio a febrero quiero que estés conmigo._

_Y en marzo el amor. En diciembre tú y yo.”_

Christopher follows his dad with the biggest smile Buck has ever seen on his face. 

Buck can barely contain himself, he knows the song is about to end and he wants nothing more than to jump and hug the living daylight out of his boys. A new chorus starts, the last one, and Buck is ready to jump, buzzing with electricity, anticipation and pure happiness. 

In the middle of the last chorus, Eddie comes right up to Buck and gives him a soft but scorching kiss before walking away and returning to his bike for the end of the song. 

_“Poner el alma en el ruedo, no importa lo que se venga pa' que sepas que te quiero como un buen torero me juego la vida por tí.”_

With the last line, Eddie gets on one knee and Christopher opens his jacket. Under it, he is wearing a t-shirt with the most important question of his entire life: WOULD YOU MARRY MY DAD AND ADOPT ME?

Absolutely everything stops around Buck. He knows that in reality, everyone is still there but the only thing he can see is his two favorite people in the world in front of him, wearing almost identical expressions of anticipation. These are the two pieces of his heart, _his whole life_. How has he lived before them? Did he ever? The whole feeling is almost too much for his chest and yeah, he is pretty sure he is crying, but who wouldn’t? After everything, this is their happy ending. 

There is only one answer that Buck can give to that question. It’s very little, but it means everything for the Diaz family. And for Buck? Even more than that. 

“YES!”

**_Te buscaré, vuelve conmigo._ **

As soon as the words are out of his mouth, everything explodes around them, but Buck only has eyes for his boys. Eddie’s eyes open a little bit and, is he actually surprised he said yes? Buck is about to say that he is a little offended, but the next second, his fiancé is standing up and closing the distance between them, crashing their lips together so hard that he has to hold him by the arms to not fall to the ground. It also doesn’t help that he is smiling too hard, too big, but he doesn’t care. 

He get to kiss Eddie for the rest of his life, how awesome is that? 

And then, it hits him that there is another thing he just got for the rest of his life. The best thing in the whole fucking world. 

“Christopher!” He all but pushes Eddie slightly away, his eyes moving quickly to the kid that is grinning and giggling, clapping his hands with everyone around them. Faster than he has ever moved before, he is the one kneeling down in front of _his_ kid, hands quickly resting in Christopher’s arms. “Do you really want that, buddy?” And it’s not that he doesn’t trust Chris, or is doubtful of his worlds, but this is _so big_. 

Of course, the youngest Diaz laughs in his face like it’s the most hilarious thing he had ever asked. “Yeah, you are my dad, Bucky!” There is no hesitation in the kid’s voice and that’s more than enough for Buck to wrap his arms around him, holding him close to his chest. “‘Course I am kid, forever.” It’s overwhelming, to the point that he is sure that his legs are gonna give out and it’s sort of embarrassing, with all these people around, but there are two strong arms around him the next moment, hugging him and their son tightly. 

It feels like family, and _home_. 

“You guys look better than Chayanne, I didn’t even know that was possible.”

That earns him laughs from his favorite boys and, not for the first time, Buck thinks that is his favorite thing that Chrisopher got from his dad. 

Well, _from one of them_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics as breaks:  
> De lunes a domingo/voy desesperado. - From Monday to Tuesday/I go desperate.  
> El corazón prendido/allí en el calendario. - The heart is stuck/in the calendar.  
> No importa lo que se venga/pa' que sepas que te quiero. - It doesn't matter what comes/for you to know i love you.  
> Te buscaré, vuelve conmigo. - I'll search for you, come back to me. 
> 
> Lyrics in the story:  
> “Torero, poner el alma en el ruedo, no importa lo que se venga pa' que sepas que te quiero, como un buen torero, me juego la vida por tí.” - "Torero, put your soul on the line. It doesn't matter what comes for you to know I love you. Like a good bullfighter, I bet my life for you."  
> “De lunes a domingo, voy desesperado, el corazón prendido, allí en el calendario.” - "From Monday to Tuesday I go desperate, the heart is stuck in the calendar.  
> “Me viste así de frente, que tremendo impacto, para unirme a tu mirada, dime si hay que ser.” - "You saw me directly, what a big impact, for me to join your view, tell me if i have to be."  
> “De noviembre hasta enero sé que te necesito, Ay de junio a febrero quiero que estés conmigo.  
> Y en marzo el amor. En diciembre tú y yo.” - "From November until January, I know that I need you. From June to February, I want you to be with me. And in March, the love. In December, you and me."

**Author's Note:**

> We hope you enjoy! Let us know what you think!


End file.
